What is the Best Cure for Shyness and Social Anxiety?

 

CLICK HERE to Find Out How to Overcome Your Social Phobia

Is It Time to Give Up and Just Accept Yourself as You Are?

My answer: yes and no.

If you’ve been struggling with shyness or social anxiety for years, then I’m sure you’ve had some depressing thoughts before.

Thoughts like:

“What if my confidence will never improve, and I’m going to be this quiet, timid, awkward and shy for the rest of my life?”

“What if I never become comfortable around the opposite sex and never find a girlfriend or boyfriend who loves me?”

“What if I’m always going to be haunted by this fear, anxiety and nervousness … especially around people I only sort-of know?”

And if you’ve had any of these thoughts, then I’m sure you’ve also thought to yourself…

“Maybe I Should Accept This Is How I Am”

Now, I agree that accepting yourself is important.

When you don’t accept yourself, then shyness and social anxiety become ten times more difficult to overcome.

Because when you’re not comfortable with yourself, then it’s impossible to be comfortable and relaxed around other people.

When you don’t accept yourself, then you’ll always feel anxious and nervous around people, and you won’t even know why.

You’ll find it hard to truly connect with people and form close friendships.

And getting a girlfriend or boyfriend will be a HUGE uphill battle. (When you can’t open yourself up and you can’t “be there” for someone, then what chance do you have?)

On the other hand, when you are accepting and comfortable with yourself, then issues like insecurity, self-consciousness and a fear of rejection go away almost automatically

.

Acceptance = Lack of Social Anxiety

People who have the deepest self-acceptance tend to be the most socially confident. Even if they don’t “deserve” to be.

Have you ever seen some arrogant, stupid, unattractive person who has a lot of confidence? (If you’ve ever worked in customer service, or watched a reality TV show, then I’m sure you have.)

Here’s one example of someone who feels confident even when she doesn’t know what she’s talking about:

Woman at VP Debate Calls Obama a Communist

So self-acceptance and comfort with yourself is the ultimate cure to issues like shyness and social anxiety.

Now here’s where most people get it wrong…

Accepting Yourself and Giving Up Are NOT The Same Thing

Many shy and socially anxious people think that “accepting themselves” is the same as giving up.

They think that if they don’t have a girlfriend or boyfriend yet, they should “accept themselves” and stop trying to find one.

If they don’t have friends, they should “accept themselves” and stop trying to meet new people.

If they aren’t confident, they should “accept themselves” and stop trying to do things outside of their comfort zone.

Basically, they think they need to give up trying to improve themselves to stop feeling bad about themselves.

Don’t make this mistake yourself.

 Carl Roger’s Secret to Self Confidence

In 2006, a survey was sent out to hundreds of therapists. It asked: “Over the last 25 years, which figures have most influenced your practice?”.

1982 out of 2598 responded with the name, “Carl Rogers.”

Carl Rogers was a man who changed our understanding of therapy and psychology.

My favorite quote of his is:

“The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.”

– Carl R. Rogers

Carl Rogers said that for a person to “grow”, they needed an environment that provides them with genuineness (openness and self-disclosure), acceptance (being seen with unconditional positive regard), and empathy (being listened to and understood).

And he also said if someone didn’t get that type of environment growing up, then they would usually have low self-worth and confidence. So it was the therapist’s job to give them that environment.

Basically, he said to focus on making the client accept themselves. And then, once they accepted themselves … only then would they be able to change.

Let Go of Who You Are … To Become Who You Were Meant to Be

A couple days ago, I was watching a TV show with my brother.

It’s a nerdy TV show called “Doctor Who” that my brother’s a big fan of.

The show is about this “doctor” who’s a time traveller. He travels through time in his spaceship shaped like a police box, saving people from evil aliens.

And every 2-3 years, the doctor regenerates. This means the old actor basically dies in the show and he’s replaced by a new actor. It’s like a rebirth for the “doctor” in the show.

So, in this episode we were watching, the doctor “regenerated” again. But, before he died, he had an interesting speech. He said some word which I think really apply to people looking to overcome shyness and social anxiety.

He said:

We all change. When you think about it, we’re all different people all through our lives, and that’s ok. You’ve got to keep moving so long as you remember the people that you used to be.

Think about how this quote can apply to you.

Accept yourself, but don’t use acceptance as an excuse to avoid fear and discomfort. Realize that you can change more of your personality than you think … if you know what to do.

To find out about the cure for shyness and social anxiety, watch these 2 videos –

How To Overcome Social Anxiety And Shyness (4 WEIRD TIP)

Jordan Peterson: How To Fight Social Anxiety AND WIN! (Must Watch)

Let Me Show You Exactly What to Do Step-By-Step…

That’s why I created The Shyness and Social Anxiety System . In it, I’ll walk you through specific techniques that you can use to instantly eliminate your insecurities, self-consciousness and nervousness.

This system has an all-new section called “Becoming Comfortable with Yourself” where I reveal my latest insights into this important topic. Once you listen to this section, you’ll instantly find your old anxiety and tension around people melting away.

You’ll eliminates the quiet, awkward, and nervous energy that used to make people avoid and ignore you. You’ll find people being magnetically drawn to you because of simple little inner changes in the way you feel about yourself. You’ll finally have people making an effort to talk to you, be your friend and invite you out to places.

Click here to learn more…

Until next time,

Sean Cooper

By Sean W Cooper, the author of The Shyness and Social Anxiety System, is an ex-sufferer from social anxiety and shyness. This program is a compilation of his research and effort in overcoming shyness and anxiety.

Sean W Cooper’s Shyness and Anxiety system is a step by step audio course broken down into modules that are easy to access. It teaches you ways to start overcoming your social anxiety and self-doubt. The system utilises cognitive behavioural therapy which explores how feelings and thoughts can drive behaviour. 

The Shyness and Social Anxiety system is endorsed by professionals and praised by psychologists due to the way it provides the relevant skills to manage issues of shyness and social anxiety.

To find out more, click on What is the Best Cure for Shyness and Social Anxiety?

Overcome Fear of Being Judged – Are You Secretive and Withdrawn?

 

CLICK HERE to Find Out How to Overcome Your Social Phobia

Do you keep to yourself a lot?

Do you think if people knew what you actually did 24 hours a day, they would look down on you?

If so, then you’re not alone.

Back when I had social anxiety, I remember being very secretive about my life and what I did in my spare time.

I thought if someone found out about me having no friends or no social life, they wouldn’t like me anymore. I thought if a girl I liked found out about my lack of past relationships and experience, her interest would disappear before it even started. Basically I thought if people found out about “the real me,” then they would instantly reject me.

This caused me to become secretive and withdrawn around people. If someone asked me “what did you do this weekend?” I would try my best to dodge the question. Even though they only asked to try to be friendly, I didn’t want them to know I had spent it alone keeping myself amused.

After a lot of time working on my social anxiety, trying to find ways to cure it, and studying the psychology behind it, I figured out the cause of these secretive behaviours.

Being secretive and withdrawn comes from having a belief that says…

“I Am Inferior”

Most socially anxious people feel they are inferior in some way to everyone else, and if this inferiority was discovered by someone, then it would mean instant rejection.

This feeling of inferiority could come from:

• a lack of friends or social life,

• “ugliness” or a physical flaw,

• or a dozen other things

When you feel that you are inferior in some way, then you’re going to try to find ways to cover up or compensate for that feeling of inferiority. Usually this happens through trying to create a certain IMPRESSION on someone.

Think about this carefully, because it’s important.

Trying to Make “Impressions”

Instead of expressing your personality freely, inferiority makes you carefully monitor how other people see you. You spent a lot of time and mental energy trying to make certain “impressions” on people to make them like you.

In psychology, this is called impression management. Impression management is the reason why you try to be seen as someone you’re not in front of certain people.

For example, around some guy or girl you like, you may try to look more popular and social whenever they walk by. Or, if you are walking alone, then you may try to avoid them so they don’t see you by yourself.

It’s all about you trying to make them see you in a certain light.

Here’s how the process works: “People can’t like me because I’m ugly/loner/pathetic, but if I can create a good impression in their minds, then maybe they will like that impression.”

In essence, you’re trying to “trick” people into liking you…

• If you feel too ugly, you’ll only let certain people see you with lots of makeup on and constantly check your appearance in the mirror.

• If you feel you are a loner, you’ll avoid running into people when you’re by yourself — you may see them in the distance walking towards you and avoid them.

• If you feel like people don’t like you because you’re too quiet, then when someone you want to impress comes by, you’ll try to be louder and more social.

Being Secretive

Okay, this is all interesting, but what does it have to do with being secretive and withdrawn?

A lot, actually.

When you are acting secretive and withdrawn, you basically don’t want people to find out about the “real” you.

You don’t want them to know about your bad parts. You don’t want them to know about the things you are ashamed of. You don’t want them to realize that you are actually inferior.

Because you think when they do … POOF! They’ll be gone!

You think…

• when they find out you have a boring life, they’ll won’t accept you

• when they realize you have no friends, they’ll lose respect for you

• when they see you’re actually shy, introverted, and insecure, they’ll want to have nothing to do with you.

So you become secretive and withdrawn to avoid being rejected. You may not have any friends if you are this secretive, but you also don’t risk losing people’s acceptance.

The Problem with Impression Management

Right now you may be thinking: “Okay, I now realize I’m trying to create an impression so that people will like me. But what’s wrong with that? Is it bad to want to be liked?”

And no, there’s nothing wrong with trying to be liked.

But trying to create impressions is simply the wrong way of doing it.

There are many flaws with trying to create impressions on people…

First, when other people find out you were putting on an act the whole time, your friendship or relationship will crumble. That’s because it was never a real relationship in the first place. It was just you playing a game to get the other person’s acceptance and approval.

Secondly…

The most miserable and tortured people in the world are those who are continually straining and striving to convince themselves and others that they are something other than what they basically are.

– Dr. Maxwell Maltz

And thirdly, impression management makes you self-conscious and inhibited around people. You don’t feel free to express yourself because then you would lose control of the impression you’d make on others.

So What’s the Solution?

Is there an alternative to impression management?

Yes, there is.

The solution is self-acceptance. Self-acceptance means accepting and coming to terms with yourself just as you are now, with all your faults, weaknesses, shortcomings, as well as your assets and strengths. Accept that you will always be imperfect, just like everyone else.

Self-acceptance is the cure to feelings of inferiority, and curing inferiority will make you stop trying to create impressions on people.

Once you accept yourself, you’ll stop being secretive because you’ll think “what’s the point?” If you truly believe that people can accept and like you just for you, then there’s no point in wasting so much time and energy trying to make them to like you.

Dr. Arthur W. Combs, professor of educational psychology and counselling at the University of Florida, says that the goal of every human being should be to become a “self-fulfilled person.” I think this is even more applicable to people with shyness and social anxiety.

Watch this video to find out how to overcome fear of being judged – Free Yourself From The Fear Of Judgement & Start Living Life | Marisa Peer

What is a self-fulfilled person?

A self-fulfilled person sees themselves as liked, wanted, acceptable and able individuals. They have a high degree of acceptance of themselves as they are. They have a feeling of oneness with others.

Accept yourself, and become self-fulfilled, and you won’t feel the need to be as secretive and withdrawn.

And, even better, you will start to open up to people more, which is what creates truly fulfilling friendships and relationships. When you open up and share yourself people will feel comfortable around you and like you. 

Being secretive and withdrawn instead of open, honest and authentic is one of the main reasons why shy and socially anxious people have trouble making friends.

Right now you may be thinking: “That’s easy to say, but how do you apply it?”

This post is already getting too long, but I dedicate a whole section of my e-book to ways of gaining rock-solid self-acceptance, self-esteem, and self-fulfillment.

This isn’t the typical new-age soft stuff you’d expect. It’s based in real-world psychology and my own first-hand experience overcoming social anxiety and shyness. 

Check it out here if you want.

By Sean W Cooper, the author of The Shyness and Social Anxiety System, is an ex-sufferer from social anxiety and shyness. This program is a compilation of his research and effort in overcoming shyness and anxiety.

Sean W Cooper’s Shyness and Anxiety system is a step by step audio course broken down into modules that are easy to access. It teaches you ways to start overcoming your social anxiety and self-doubt. The system utilises cognitive behavioural therapy which explores how feelings and thoughts can drive behaviour. 

The Shyness and Social Anxiety system is endorsed by professionals and praised by psychologists due to the way it provides the relevant skills to manage issues of shyness and social anxiety.

To find out more, click on What is the Best Way to Overcome Fear of Being Judged ?

What is the Best Way for Overcoming Social Fears?

 CLICK HERE to Find Out How to Overcome Your Social Phobia

Overcoming Social Fears Through Progressive Desensitization

Let’s get right down to it, what exactly do you need to do to overcome social fears like shyness or social anxiety?

Well, it starts by facing fear. People usually are shy or socially anxious because they avoid the situations they are uncomfortable in. They run away from fear.

Do you ever:

Try to avoid talking to someone you are shy around? Maybe it’s a co-worker that you make sure to never walk past their office.

Or maybe you avoid someone you are attracted to. If you saw them walking towards you, would you be frantically thinking of ways to not walk past them?

Do you ever keep quiet in group conversations, meetings, or in class because you’re too nervous to speak up? This is another way of avoiding fear. In this case, you are avoiding doing a certain behaviour that scares you.

All of these behaviours do not help your social fears. They only reinforce it and make it worse.

Why? It’s because the process of overcoming shyness or social anxiety is exposure to what you fear. This is not just A way to overcome shyness, it’s THE way. The ONLY way.

How to Overcome Any Fear?

Exposure is the way to overcome any fear. This means you gradually expose yourself to what you fear over and over again until you no longer fear it. In psychology this is called progressive desensitization. You progressively desensitize yourself to what you are afraid of.

Pretty sexy, huh? Now you know why I tell people that overcoming shyness or social anxiety is not a fun activity.

You have to be willing to put yourself into uncomfortable situations that make you nervous and tense. You have to be willing to endure short-term discomfort to live a better life free of fear in the long-term.

Stop Avoiding Fear, It’s Actually a Good Thing

If you don’t have a firm conviction to overcome shyness or social anxiety, then you will run away from the discomfort and fear. This is not the way to change.

Instead, use your willpower to stop avoiding the situations you fear.

Realize that fear is not a bad thing. In fact, it is a good thing.

Fear is a good thing because fear shows you the path to the life you want.

Think about it. All of your deepest desires are fear-ridden. All of the things that you really want to do, whether it’s making new friends, talking to someone you’re attracted to, or becoming okay at public speaking are things you are scared of right now.

If you feel fear, then you know you are doing what’s best for you in the long run.

It’s like the difference between eating junk food and eating healthy. Junk food is ultra -tempting in the moment, just like avoiding fear. On the other hand, the healthy food doesn’t taste as good, but it will benefit you more in the long run, just like facing your fears.

Don’t take the easy way out.

Watch these 2 videos below about overcoming social fears –

Social Anxiety | Overcome the Fear of Being Judged

7 Techniques to Overcome Social Anxiety | Causes, Symptoms and Strategies

Click here to learn more about my system for overcoming social anxiety.

By Sean W Cooper, the author of The Shyness and Social Anxiety System, is an ex-sufferer from social anxiety and shyness. This program is a compilation of his research and effort in overcoming shyness and anxiety.

Sean W Cooper’s Shyness and Anxiety system is a step by step audio course broken down into modules that are easy to access. It teaches you ways to start overcoming your social anxiety and self-doubt. The system utilises cognitive behavioural therapy which explores how feelings and thoughts can drive behaviour. 

The Shyness and Social Anxiety system is endorsed by professionals and praised by psychologists due to the way it provides the relevant skills to manage issues of shyness and social anxiety.

To find out more, click on What is the Best Way for Overcoming Social Fears?

How to Overcome Depression Due to Social Anxiety?

 

CLICK HERE to Find Out How to Overcome Your Social Phobia

10 Reasons Social Anxiety Makes You Depressed

Why do social anxiety and depression often occur together? In this post I’ll list what I believe are the top 10 reasons. To find out how to overcome depression due to social anxiety, read on till end of this post.

1. Lack of social connections

Did you know there are psychologists out there who also study “happiness,” not just disorders? What they’ve found is that the quality of your close personal relationships is the most important factor in your happiness:

50 years of happiness research shows that the quantity and quality of a person’s social connections—friendships, relationships with family members, closeness to neighbors, etc.—is so closely related to well-being and personal happiness the two can practically be equated.

– Christine Carter, Ph.D., University of California, Berkeley

Yes, it’s more important than money, fame, good looks, or even being born in a rich country. Take that, billionaires!

Of course, it does suck to be someone with social anxiety who avoids people and is afraid of closeness or intimacy.

In my experience, depression can make your social avoidance much worse. Why? Because when you feel like crap inside, it totally removes your motivation to socialize. Not only do you feel nervous to talk to people, but now you don’t even have the energy or enthusiasm to even try. Oh, but you still feel that nagging loneliness.

2. People are turned off by your nervous, sad or desperate energy.

Feeling anxious makes it extremely difficult to carry on even a basic conversation.

This is why one of the most common problem I hear from my readers is that they “don’t know what to say” or their “mind goes blank” when talking. It’s hard to talk to people when you have alarm bells going off inside your mind, and your heart is racing, sweat is dripping off you, and your hands are trembling.

What’s worse, the sadness and depression you feel from loneliness turns people off even more. It makes you give off this subtle needy and desperate vibe, which to other people feels like a black hole of negative energy. When I was most depressed, I felt like I sucked the fun and energy out of the conversation just by opening my mouth.

3. Feeling “different” instead of belonging to a tribe.

Similar to point #1, it feels great when you feel like you’ve found “your people”:

• People who have similar viewpoints, interests and goals to you.
• People who you can have shared experiences with.
• People who you can totally feel free to be yourself around.

Unfortunately, most people with social anxiety feel “different,” out of place, like you don’t really fit in with any group of people you’ve met.

I know this feeling all too well. While most guys in school were talking about dumb stuff like who their favourite hockey player was… I was wondering why they cared so much about hockey in the first place.

I’m lucky now to have found my own “tribe” of people I can easily connect to (generally people who are interested in psychology, online business, self-development, travel.) But it would have been impossible to find them with social anxiety.

Some studies have found that childhood experiences of not fitting in or being excluded can lead to social anxiety, depression and low self-esteem.

4. Can’t find a significant other.

Having a girlfriend, boyfriend, a companion… this is one of the big reasons why people come learn from me and invest in my courses.

Actually, relationships don’t always lead to happiness. They’re not always sunshine and roses. They often include conflict, jealously and heartbreak. And lonely people overlook the fact that the most depressed people in the world are usually the ones who have just broken up… luckily that type of depression lifts within a few weeks normally.

Yet despite the negatives, having someone to share the little moments of life with is something that gives many people a great feeling of being understood, loved and significant. I believe nobody should have to suffer being unwillingly single for years or a lifetime, but many people with social anxiety do.

5. Can’t pursue your desired career.

What’s a good job for someone with social anxiety? Computer programmer? Maybe a video editor? Yet even these jobs nowadays require a lots of collaboration and talking to people. Unless you’re going to be a truck driver or park ranger, you can’t really escape needing conversation skills in most jobs.

It’s simply a fact: If you aren’t confident, if you aren’t assertive, and if even the word “teamwork” makes your heart start to beat a little faster… then you’re probably going to be struggle getting the career you truly deserve.

• From being overlooked at work because you don’t speak up at meetings,

• To not getting the raise or promotion you want because you’re scared to ask for it,

• To being too nervous at the interview to get a job in the first place!

…I would bet social anxiety costs many people tens of thousands of dollars over a lifetime in their professional life.

6. Boredom and nothing to do.

Alone and aimlessly browsing the internet. That describes way too much of my high school and college life. Here’s a fact: when you don’t have friends to do things with, you usually don’t have many interesting things to do.

So you spend a lot of time doing things just to stay busy and distracted, things that ultimately feel unfulfilling and empty. For me this included video games, browsing random websites, etc. Jumping from distraction to distraction fills the time, but it your life doesn’t feel meaningful, and over time this erodes your self-esteem even more.

7. Negative thoughts about self.

Feeling insecure about yourself is extremely common for social anxiety sufferers. You may believe that you’re ugly, that you’re secretly a loser, that people closely judge every little thing you say, etc. 

(This is in fact one of the core causes of social anxiety: you feel like you are “flawed” in some way, so you’re constantly nervous and worried about other people “noticing” this flaw and rejecting you.)

I’m sure it’s easy to see how the same types of thoughts that make you feel socially anxious can also make you feel depressed.

8. Feeling inferior and submissive.

I’ve yet to see another course about shyness or social anxiety talk about this, but I consider it crucially important…

When you perceive your social status or rank to be LOW, that’s when you start being “shy” or “socially anxious.” In psychology this idea is called “social rank theory.”

Let me explain. Take a look at these 3 common symptoms of shyness:

• Weak eye contact,
• Talking quietly and timidly,
• Being afraid to be assertive.

Think about what someone acting this way is really communicating. If a scientist saw a chimpanzee acting this way in the wild, he would label it as… submissive! And that’s where a lot of low social confidence comes from: a deep unconscious belief in other people being higher social status and more socially dominant than you. If you can overcome this feeling of inferiority, then you will find it easy to stop acting submissive & shy.

I talk a lot about this in my System, in the chapter called “Value & The Social Hierarchy”. What I didn’t realize when I created my course was that this same belief of inferiority / low status also leads to depression. That’s what this study found:

This study explores the associations between shame, depression and social anxiety from the perspective of social rank theory. Social rank theory argues that emotions and moods are significantly influenced by the perceptions of one’s social status/rank; that is the degree to which one feels inferior to others and looked down on. A common outcome of such perceptions is submissive behaviour. […]

Results confirm that shame, social anxiety and depression (but not guilt) are highly related to feeling inferior and to submissive behaviour.

– Study by Paul Gilbert: The Relationship of Shame, Social Anxiety and Depression: The Role of the Evaluation of Social Rank

9. Feeling ignored and invisible

Have you ever heard the saying that “you only exist in relationship to other people”? I think there’s some deep truth to it.

There have been periods of my life when I’ve been a huge loner, basically a hermit. I avoided making friends, and rarely talked to family. And it felt really strange. Like my existence felt less real when I didn’t interact with people for a long time. I started to wonder if I was losing my personality the more I stayed alone. I felt like I was fading away.

I can definitely see how some old people who are isolated start to go crazy, because I could feel it happening to me. And maybe this is why people fall in love… they need to feel like at least one other person in the world SEES them fully. Not feeling like other people KNOW and understand you really is depressing.

Loneliness does not come from having no people around you, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to you. – Carl Jung

And lastly…

10. No plan or hope of getting better.

The longer you stay stuck with social anxiety, the less you feel in control of your life.

And the longer you are deprived of relationships, the harder it becomes to dig yourself out of the hole. It can feel so comforting to try to push your desires for friends, for a romantic relationship to the back of your mind as you focus on other hobbies.

But every once in a while, maybe on your birthday, you realize that another year of your life slipped by. Without much improvement.

That life event that was supposed to change your life: moving away to college, graduating or getting a job… it came and went and you’re still the same person. And sometimes you lay awake at night feeling like you’re wasting precious time you’ll never ever get back.

Now THAT’S the part of social anxiety which is the most depressing in my opinion.

Yet this type of thinking is also what finally motivated me to overcome my own social anxiety and now teach others as well.

Watch this video – How to cope with anxiety | Olivia Remes | TEDxUHasselt

If you take one thing away from this post, I hope it’s this: You are not alone. The same struggles, challenges and frustrations you face every day are ones common to most people with social anxiety.

Click here to learn more about my system for overcoming social anxiety.

By Sean W Cooper, the author of The Shyness and Social Anxiety System, is an ex-sufferer from social anxiety and shyness. This program is a compilation of his research and effort in overcoming shyness and anxiety.

Sean W Cooper’s Shyness and Anxiety system is a step by step audio course broken down into modules that are easy to access. It teaches you ways to start overcoming your social anxiety and self-doubt. The system utilises cognitive behavioural therapy which explores how feelings and thoughts can drive behaviour. 

The Shyness and Social Anxiety system is endorsed by professionals and praised by psychologists due to the way it provides the relevant skills to manage issues of shyness and social anxiety.

To find out more, click on How to Overcome Depression Due to Social Anxiety?