Conquer Social Anxiety – Why Faking Confidence for a Socially Anxious Person Don’t Work?

 

CLICK HERE to Find Out How to Overcome Your Social Phobia

Here’s Why You Can’t “Fake” Confidence If You Have Social Anxiety

One of the most common pieces of advice people will give you for your shyness or social anxiety is to “fake” confidence.

They’ll tell you to “act as if” you weren’t shy, nervous or anxious.

They’ll say stuff like “Don’t be shy, just pretend to be confident.”

Yeah, easy for them to say.

I don’t know about you, but if I had been able to act totally normal and confident despite my social anxiety, then I would have already been doing it.

Whenever I got that type of advice I would think to myself sarcastically: “Oh, wow, thanks. I don’t know how I never thought of that myself. Why haven’t I just pretended to be confident all these years. Gosh, it’s all so simple now. All these years struggling with my social anxiety and shyness and all I had to do was

PRETEND all this time? You’ve really helped me out here.”

Just like most bad advice socially anxious people get, the idea that you can “fake” confidence generally assumes that YOU are the one in control of your emotions and feelings.

In reality, the opposite is true. Shy and socially anxious people are the way they are because they really have no control over their emotions.

This means that they have almost no success trying to “force” themselves to feel confident.

Being Controlled by Your Emotions

Since shy and socially anxious people really can’t control the emotions they feel, they end up being controlled by their emotions. When you are controlled by your emotions, you start doing things like:

• Avoiding people who make you feel shy or nervous

• Avoiding public speaking because you feel anxious

• Not raising your hand in class because you feel afraid

And the worst part is, all this avoidance of your fear is actually making it worse. The more you avoid something, the more the fear of that thing builds up in your mind.

That’s why I always tell people with social anxiety that cutting down on their avoidance behavior is one of the first steps to getting better.

Acting in spite of fear is one of the things ANYONE who has overcome shyness or social anxiety has had to do. But, in order to act in spite of fear, you first have to have some control over your emotions. If your emotions control you, then you will just do what they tell you to: run away, avoid, hide.

Now, don’t get me wrong. Whenever I used to be shy I HATED being told to “just do it” and to “face fear,” but now that I look back, I realize that it was an absolutely essential part of getting over my social anxiety.

So when other people tell you to “fake” confidence, they are trying to help you control your emotions so you can get better. Unfortunately, nobody can truly control all of their emotions. And socially anxious people are the WORST at it.

(Well, maybe some Buddhist monks can, but I’m willing to bet you don’t want to move to the mountains and meditate every day.)

REALITY CHECK!

Okay, let’s get back to reality here.

It’s great for you to sit here now and read that you have to “act in spite of fear,” but what’s gonna happen once you get off the computer and go back to your life?

Chances are, when it comes time to “act in spite of fear,” you’ll fail.

You WON’T DO what you set out to do.

• You won’t raise your hand in class,

• or approach that attractive lady,

• or join Toastmasters to practice making speeches

And the question is: Why?

Why is it that all the advice out there that tells you “face fear” and “just ACT confident” FAIL MISERABLY when it comes to THE REAL WORLD?

Why Is It So Hard to Face Fear?

The reason why is because fear is the brain’s reaction to danger. When your brain thinks there is a threat to your survival, it immediately makes you feel fear, nervousness and anxiety.

The reason why you have shyness or social anxiety is because a certain part of your brain (the amygdala) has formed a connection between social situations and danger. Crazy as it sounds, a part of your brain actually thinks that making a bad impression on people would mean an immediate threat to your survival.

So if you try to act in spite of fear or other bad emotions, then all of your brain’s warning signals instantly light up, saying DANGER! DANGER!

Imagine how you would feel sticking your hand into the cage of a very hungry crocodile. Chances are, you would feel a “block” in your mind that would prevent you from sticking your hand in there no matter how hard you tried.

And, if you think about it, there’s a similar “block” in your mind when you feel social anxiety. Your words and actions feel inhibited and “held back” by your social anxiety.

This is why it’s so hard to “act” confident when you are feeling fear and anxiety.

You talk much quieter or your voice sounds weird in front of groups of people even though you can talk to one person alone and have your voice sound fine.

You can’t think of what to say when you feel anxious even though the words come easily when you are talking to someone you’re comfortable with.

You become very self-conscious when you feel other people are watching even though you can walk completely relaxed and natural at home.

Notice how fear has this automatic control over your actions. It’s EXTREMELY difficult to do things when you are afraid. When you feel fear, then just talking to a group of people can feel the same as sticking your hand in the crocodile cage.

Watch this video – How to Conquer Social Anxiety When You Meet New People

So What’s the Solution?

At the beginning of the post I said that acting confident is a way of trying to control your emotions that usually fails. Then I said you need to be able to have some control over your emotions to be able to act in spite of fear and overcome your social anxiety.

But then I gave you the reason why it’s almost impossible for a socially anxious person to “face fear” because your brain won’t let you. That’s why no matter how many times you hear the advice to get out and talk to people, you’re still stuck in your house mostly.

So what’s the solution? How can you stop being so controlled by your emotions so you can go into the situations you used to be scared of and not be overwhelmed?

Well, remember that the part of your brain called the amygdala is what makes you feel shy or socially anxious. It makes you feel fear and anxiety because it identifies certain social situations as dangerous.

So the solution is simple.

If you can stop your amygdala from identifying certain social situations as dangerous, then you won’t feel fear, nervousness, anxiety, or shyness in those situations. So the only solution to shyness or social anxiety that exists is to change the way your brain is “wired” on a deep level.

So bad advice like “act confident” doesn’t work because it simply doesn’t affect how your brain is wired.

And facing your fears usually doesn’t work by itself because you’re just setting yourself up for failure.

The real solution is to change the way your brain works. You have to change the way your amygdala reacts to social situations.

And how do you do this?

It takes a combination of changing your thinking patterns, lowering your anxious feelings, and changing your habits and behaviours.

The exact detailed steps you need to take are laid out in my e-book on shyness or social anxiety here. In it, I’ll give a detailed, step-by-step blueprint to re-wire your brain.

Anyone who has ever overcome shyness or social anxiety has had to follow the steps in this blueprint. The reason why is because the cause of shyness or social anxiety is in your brain, in your amygdala. So the only way out of social anxiety that’s permanent is to remove the very cause.

Check it out here for more information.

By Sean W Cooper, the author of The Shyness and Social Anxiety System, is an ex-sufferer from social anxiety and shyness. This program is a compilation of his research and effort in overcoming shyness and anxiety.

Sean W Cooper’s Shyness and Anxiety system is a step by step audio course broken down into modules that are easy to access. It teaches you ways to start overcoming your social anxiety and self-doubt. The system utilises cognitive behavioural therapy which explores how feelings and thoughts can drive behaviour. 

The Shyness and Social Anxiety system is endorsed by professionals and praised by psychologists due to the way it provides the relevant skills to manage issues of shyness and social anxiety.

To find out more, click on How to Conquer Social Anxiety ?

How to Overcome Depression and Low Self-Esteem?

 

CLICK HERE to Find Out How to Overcome Your Social Phobia

Do You Stay Inside Alone at Home All Day?

If you look at any forums for people with social anxiety, they are usually full of depressed people who…

• Stay inside their home for days at a time unless they absolutely need to go out.

• Have stopped taking showers for the past few weeks and say they’re starting to look like a hermit.

• Haven’t gone out to socialize for months … or years.

• Spend hours a day watching TV or browsing the internet.

And, if these problems weren’t enough, they also feel depressed and insecure, and have low self-esteem.

Maybe you aren’t as bad as this, or maybe this describes you perfectly.

In either case, this article will reveal how you can overcome the depression and low self-esteem caused by staying inside a lot.

The Cause of Depression and Low Self Esteem

The first thing to know is that beliefs cause feelings. Feelings like depression, insecurity and inferiority are caused by your thoughts and beliefs.

So let’s look at some of the beliefs people with social anxiety may have:

• I am not valuable. I am not good enough to be accepted as I am.

• I have no life. Other people always have more friends and exciting activities going on than me.

• I am ugly or have some physical flaw that makes me unattractive.

It’s important for you to understand that you didn’t just wake up one day with these beliefs. They formed over time through real evidence you picked up through your daily experience.

You don’t believe anything unless you have reasonable evidence or experiences to back it up.

Your Beliefs Are Like a Table

Your mind is constantly looking for evidence around you in order to determine your beliefs.

Here’s a useful analogy: Think of a belief as a table top. The legs are the supporting evidence.

So let’s look at how someone with social anxiety could form the belief “I’m not valuable.” This is what their table might look like.

Do you see how, with the evidence provided, the belief “I’m not valuable” is actually a reasonable one to have?

If you continually treat yourself in a way that shows you don’t value yourself, then you will eventually believe: “I must not be valuable.” This belief in particular is a major cause of depression and low self-esteem. (Self-esteem, in fact, is defined as “an individual’s estimate of his or her own worth.”)

So one of the first steps in curing social anxiety is changing the evidence you feed to your mind about yourself. You have to start behaving in a way that builds up beliefs like “I am valuable … I am worthy … I like myself.”

Treating Yourself Like You Value Yourself

What does it mean to behave in a way that indicates you like yourself… that you value yourself?

Suppose you value your dog … You would probably feed it nutritious food, play with it in the park, and take it regularly to the park, etc…

Well, you’re no different. When you value yourself, you will take actions to take care of yourself. This means being decently healthy, watching what you eat at least a little, eating more fruits and vegetables, cutting down on the junk food, exercising occasionally, going outside to enjoy nature, maintaining your personal hygiene, taking showers often, shaving, cutting your hair, brushing your teeth, taking care of your skin, etc.

On the other hand, if you spend all week in your basement playing video games and eating junk food, then it’s going to be hard to suddenly feel great about yourself and have high self-esteem when you are around people.

What you do for yourself is determined by how much you value yourself. This means taking steps to actively improve yourself. Getting out of your comfort zone regularly, being productive, learning new things, taking classes, travelling, and enriching your life.

I honestly don’t know anyone who has high self-esteem who does not do most of these things.

Whenever you do something that shows your mind you value yourself, you are giving it new evidence. This new evidence becomes a leg that reinforce the belief “I am valuable” in your mind.

If you spend your day productively – you eat a healthy breakfast, hit the gym, learn something, accomplish something, and all the sudden your brain is bombarded with evidence that you’re WORTH something. Then you go out around people, and you feel less insecure.

You feel a new level of confidence you didn’t have before, a calm, steady feeling of self-esteem. You feel more entitled to express yourself and you stop holding other people in such high regard compared to you. And people will be able to tell that you feel good about yourself as a person. It’ll come across in your voice, eye contact and body language.

When you’re living in alignment – with the way you treat yourself feeding into beliefs that make you feel good about yourself, the world can tell and responds accordingly.

Ultimately, the way you feel about yourself is determined by the beliefs you hold about yourself and your value/worth. These beliefs are formed through the evidence you spend all day acquiring by observing your actions.

Are you worth it? Are you behaving like it?

If you think you can change your beliefs and deepest insecurities without changing your actions first, then you’re in for a life of sadness and depression.

You have to first act in a way that builds up the beliefs you want to have about yourself. When you act as though you value yourself, you can’t help but to start feeling good about yourself.

Watch this video – How I Overcome Depression and Low Self-Esteem

By Sean W Cooper, the author of The Shyness and Social Anxiety System, is an ex-sufferer from social anxiety and shyness. This program is a compilation of his research and effort in overcoming shyness and anxiety.

Sean W Cooper’s Shyness and Anxiety system is a step by step audio course broken down into modules that are easy to access. It teaches you ways to start overcoming your social anxiety and self-doubt. The system utilises cognitive behavioural therapy which explores how feelings and thoughts can drive behaviour. 

The Shyness and Social Anxiety system is endorsed by professionals and praised by psychologists due to the way it provides the relevant skills to manage issues of shyness and social anxiety.

To find out more, click on How to Overcome Depression and Low Self-Esteem?

Instant Shyness Cure – 3 Reasons Your Family May Be Holding You Back

 

CLICK HERE to Find Out How to Overcome Your Social Phobia

Do you ever feel more shy around your family?

Do you feel weird being around people your own age when someone in your family is around?

How about talking to someone of the opposite sex when your parents are watching?

Does it feel weird when you try to be more outgoing and sometimes seem like your family wants you to keep being shy?

There are several reasons why you feel this way, and 3 major ones:

Reason 1: You Care What They Think

This is the biggie. It’s hard not to care what your family thinks. You may worry they judge how you act, who you know or what clothes you wear. If you’re a teenager or living at or near your parent’s home, it can be even more difficult.

One way to stop caring so much is to get a life. I mean it. Seek out new friends, new interests, and outside groups. If you have a life outside of the house you’ll stop caring as much about what your family thinks because they will become only part of your life, instead of being there always.

By the way, I know “get outside interests and friends” is a lot easier to say than it is to actually do. I know what it’s like to be shy and feel stuck inside the house. It’s like having an invisible barrier holding you down and you wish something would just “snap” and make your life better.

Reason 2: Won’t They Notice If You Change?

You’re afraid of suddenly acting more confident and talking less quiet because you don’t want your family to notice. This goes back to Reason 1, But there’s actually a much easier solution for this feeling.

Yes, they may notice you changing, but they won’t mind. If they do, it’s because they feel like they’re “losing control” over you. Some outgoing people feel more important around shy people because they like being able to boss them around and dominate over them. If your family doesn’t want you to change, hang around them less (see #1).

Also, it’s generally expected that shy people need some time to “break out of their shell”. You won’t really be surprising anyone.

Reason 3: They Know You’re Shy

It’s very hard to change the impression of you that your family has built up over many years. Maybe they see you as “a shy person”. The worst part about this is, the impression they’ve built up is like an elastic band. There’s no way to gradually make them see you as a more and more confident person. It will just snap back to “shy guy/girl”.

Get away for a bit. If you’re leaving for college or moving to a new, faraway job soon, that would be the best solution.

If they only start to see you occasionally, instead of every day, they will have to re-evaluate and change their initial impression of you. They expect you to change if they haven’t seen you for a while. There’s also a second bonus to getting away.

People Have Expectations They Expect You to Live Up To

People generally behave as others expect them to behave. If your friends know you are shy, they won’t like it if you are suddenly loud. That’s not because they don’t want you to stop being shy, but it just seems weird.

An outgoing, funny guy who is well-known will have every one’s attention as soon as he enters a room. That’s because everybody expects him to be outgoing and funny, and he plays into that expectation.

Imagine travelling to a new city. You could hop onto an airplane, and in a few hours, you’re in a totally different place. You could be whoever you want to be in that place. That’s the feeling “getting away” gives you.

In a different place, where no one has any expectations of what kind of person you are, you can “pretend” to be confident and change a lot more rapidly.

It’s like an instant shyness cure.

Summary

In this article, here’s what you’ve read:

• There are many reasons for you to feel like your family is holding you back from changing.

• What it all comes down to is you caring what they think. You can start caring less by building interests outside of your home and eventually, by having a social life.

• They may notice if you start changing. Usually it’s expected for a shy person to take some time to “break out of your shell”.

• They know you’re shy, and expect you to continue being the same person. One way to get around this is to get away from your family for a bit. Move away, and only see them occasionally. Maybe it’s college or a new job.

• Getting away from your family for a bit will give you the opportunity to meet people who don’t know you’re shy and you can “pretend” to be confident. This is the fastest way to change.

To get more ideas about instant shyness cure, watch this video – 8 Proven Ways to Stop Being Shy And Quiet

If you want to learn some cutting edge techniques and strategies for making REAL progress with your shyness or social anxiety, check out my e-book.

I guarantee it’s the best information out there, and to put my money where my mouth is, I even offer an unconditional 60-day money back guarantee. If my techniques don’t work for you or you just don’t like the e-book for ANY reason, just contact me and I’ll refund all of your money.

If you haven’t checked it out yet, I seriously recommend you do by clicking here.

By Sean W Cooper, the author of The Shyness and Social Anxiety System, is an ex-sufferer from social anxiety and shyness. This program is a compilation of his research and effort in overcoming shyness and anxiety.

Sean W Cooper’s Shyness and Anxiety system is a step by step audio course broken down into modules that are easy to access. It teaches you ways to start overcoming your social anxiety and self-doubt. The system utilises cognitive behavioural therapy which explores how feelings and thoughts can drive behaviour. 

The Shyness and Social Anxiety system is endorsed by professionals and praised by psychologists due to the way it provides the relevant skills to manage issues of shyness and social anxiety.

To find out more, click on Instant Shyness Cure

Stop Shyness Fast – How to Become Less Shy and More Confident?

 

CLICK HERE to Find Out How to Overcome Your Social Phobia

Shyness Vs Introversion – Which One Do You Have?

Most people think that being “shy” and being “introverted” are the same thing. They use the two words as if they are identical.

In reality there’s a huge difference between shyness and introversion.

In this post, I’ll show you what this difference is, and how you can tell which one of the two you fit into.

Introverted People Have a Preference

First I’m going to explain what introversion is. Someone who is introverted likes to be alone more than the “average” person.

They may enjoy solitary activities like playing video games or reading books. They may also dislike group activities like going out to bars or socializing. Introverts also usually have fewer and closer friends than extroverts, who tend to have many more friends.

In short, being an introvert comes down to a personal preference. You prefer to spend more of your free time by yourself. It comes down to choosing to do what you personally enjoy. It’s the same as choosing to eat a certain food because you like how it tastes. Introversion is all about YOU.

Shy People Have a Fear

Shyness is totally different from introversion. Shyness isn’t a preference, but a fear.

When you are shy, you are constantly worried and afraid about what other people think of you. You care a lot about how you are coming across to others. Your fear of other people’s opinions makes you self-conscious, inhibited and quiet, especially around strangers.

Shyness is basically a nice word for fear. Unlike introverts, who prefer to “keep to themselves,” shy people may “keep to themselves” simply because they are avoiding anxiety, discomfort and fear.

Shyness is not about you and your preferences, but about OTHER PEOPLE.

Worrying about how other people perceive you and whether they will disapprove of you.

Which One Do You Have?

So what’s the difference between shyness and introversion? Shyness is a fear of other people’s negative opinion and reactions, while introversion is a preference to spend time alone and has nothing to do with fear.

How can you figure out whether you’re shy or introverted? Pay attention to how you feel inside when you are around people. Imagine you have to make a speech in front of a group of people and think about how you would feel inside.

If you would feel anxious, tense, scared, or nervous, then you have shyness. You have a fear of the situation. Other symptoms of shyness include not knowing what to say, being too quiet, or having physical reactions like sweating, shaking or blushing. 

Someone who is shy may spend a lot of time by themselves, not because they prefer to, but because they want to avoid the fear and other uncomfortable feelings they get when they are put under the pressure of other people’s eyes.

On the other hand, if you can make presentations to groups comfortably and talk to other people with ease, but you still spend a lot of your time by yourself, then you are probably introverted. If you don’t feel fear or anxiety around people, but you still choose to be by yourself, then it probably means you have a preference for being solitary.

Shyness Is a Problem, Introversion Isn’t

In my opinion, there’s nothing wrong with someone who enjoys spending time alone. Everybody is different and has different personal tastes in the types of activities they enjoy. Some people just don’t enjoy being a social butterfly and that’s fine.

However, I take a different stand on shyness. Shyness, which is basically the fear of other people’s negative judgement, is a problem that should be tackled head-on. It’s a problem because it isn’t voluntary: people can’t choose whether or not to be anxious and nervous around others.

The bottom line is: shyness makes your life worse, not better. Shy people would usually love to have more friends and get a better social life, but their fear stops them from doing what they want. Removing this fear is a worthwhile goal that will improve your quality of life.

Watch this video – 5 practical steps to become less shy and more confident.

If you have shyness and want to find out a way to overcome it, then check out this page to find out how I went from a shy, insecure loner to a socially confident guy.

By Sean W Cooper, the author of The Shyness and Social Anxiety System, is an ex-sufferer from social anxiety and shyness. This program is a compilation of his research and effort in overcoming shyness and anxiety.

Sean W Cooper’s Shyness and Anxiety system is a step by step audio course broken down into modules that are easy to access. It teaches you ways to start overcoming your social anxiety and self-doubt. The system utilises cognitive behavioural therapy which explores how feelings and thoughts can drive behaviour. 

The Shyness and Social Anxiety system is endorsed by professionals and praised by psychologists due to the way it provides the relevant skills to manage issues of shyness and social anxiety.

To find out more, click on How to Become Less Shy and More Confident?