You wake up one morning, roll out of bed, walk into the bathroom, and look in the mirror. Uh oh—something’s up with your skin. There’s a strange red rash creeping up your chest, and a tingling feeling along with it.
The non-stop itching can leave you exhausted. You are unable to enjoy your favorite things. You suffer month after month and find you are losing hope of ever getting better.
What’s going on? Unexplained skin changes can be disconcerting, not to mention seriously uncomfortable. But should you be worried? What could be the possible causes of your skin situation?
Maybe It’s Hives or Angioedema?
Hives, officially called idiopathic urticaria, are a red, raised itchy skin rash. Hives are not caused by a virus. Hives appear as red, raised bumps called welts or wheals that can vary in size and pop up anywhere on the body; if you press down on the center of one, it will turn white.
They can appear anywhere on the body, including the face, lips, tongue, throat, or ears. Hives vary in size (from a pencil eraser to a dinner plate), and may join together to form larger areas known as plaques. They can last for hours, or up to one day before fading.
Angioedema is similar to hives, but the swelling occurs beneath the skin instead of on the surface. Angioedema is characterized by deep swelling around the eyes and lips and sometimes of the genitals, hands, and feet. It generally lasts longer than hives, but the swelling usually goes away in less than 24 hours.
Rarely, angioedema of the throat, tongue, or lungs can block the airways, causing difficulty breathing. This may become life threatening.
What Causes Hives and Angioedema?
The simple answer is that you have an overactive immune system. Your immune system “freaks out” when it meets specific allergens such as dust mites, medicines, food, or other environmental triggers (sunlight, cold temperatures) according to the American College of Allergy, Asthma, and Immunology (ACAAI). Other possible causes are stress and infection. Sometimes, the cause is unknown.
Identifying what triggered your rash is crucial. If you can identify the trigger, you can avoid contact with it and prevent more hives from forming.
How to Treat Hives and Angioedema?
The best treatment for hives and angiodema is to identify and remove the trigger, but this is not an easy task. Chronic hives may be treated with antihistamines or a combination of medications.
Antihistamines (such as cetirizine or fexofenadine) are usually prescribed by your doctor to provide relief from symptoms by reducing the rash and stopping the itching. Antihistamines work best if taken on a regular schedule to prevent hives from forming in the first place.
Some antihistamines cause drowsiness, especially if the user also consumes alcohol. Some are not suitable during pregnancy unless prescribed by a doctor.
When antihistamines don’t provide relief, oral corticosteroids may be prescribed. A biologic drug, omalizumab (Xolair), is also approved to treat chronic hives in those at least 12 years of age.
Patients with angioedema may need to see an allergist, an immunologist, or a dermatologist. Angioedema can cause potentially serious breathing difficulties.
For severe hives or angioedema which can see swelling of the tongue and lips or breathing difficulty, an injection of epinephrine (adrenaline) or a cortisone medication may be needed.
Home Remedies for Hives
In most cases, home remedies are all you need to find relief. Here are a few ways to soothe your itchy skin:
This may include:
abstaining from or cutting down on alcohol
avoiding certain medications
avoiding stress, if possible, perhaps with meditation or relaxation techniques
choosing some soaps, skin creams, and detergents that are mild.
Avoiding certain foods may help. Foods known to trigger histamine production include spinach, fish, yogurt, fish, tomato, processed, meats, chocolate, and strawberries.
Tips to reduce the irritation caused by hives include:
wearing loose, light clothing
avoiding scratching
use soaps for sensitive skin
use a shower, fan, cold water, lotion, or cool compresses to cool the area
take an oatmeal bath with tepid water
avoid known triggers
applying a cold compress (which can be a bag of frozen veggies or a handful of ice in a tower) on your skin
Some sources recommend supplements such as quercetin and evening primrose oil, and vitamin C, D and others. It is important to speak to a doctor before using supplements, as these can trigger adverse reactions.
Keeping a record of flareups can help identify a trigger.
Natural Remedies for Hives
If home remedies aren’t relieving your symptoms, you may want to give a few natural solutions a try. Natural remedies typically aren’t regulated or approved by the U.S. Food and Drug Administration, so use with caution.
The following are 2 options:
Witch hazel
The natural tannins found in the herb witch hazel can help relieve irritation. You may want to prepare your own witch hazel mixture to use as an astringent to maximize the tannins.
To do this:
Add 5 to 10 grams of witch hazel bark to 1 cup of water.
Mash the bark up.
Pour the mixture into a pot.
Bring to boiling and remove from the heat.
Strain the mixture.
Let the mixture cool before application.
You can apply this to your skin like a mask a few times each day. Let it sit on the affected areas for about 20 minutes, and then rinse off.
Although it’s a natural anti-inflammatory, it may cause contact dermatitis, so it’s important to do a skin patch test before application.
To do a skin patch test, simply apply a small amount of the product to an unaffected area of skin. If you can, apply to the inside of your forearm. If you don’t experience any irritation within 24 hours, it should be safe to apply to any hives.
You can apply topical aloe vera to your hives as needed, likely a few times a day. Be sure to follow any instructions on the package.
Over-the-counter options
If home and natural remedies aren’t enough to help your hives, over-the-counter (OTC) treatments may be your best bet. Not only can OTC options relieve itching and irritation, they can target your body’s histamine response, which is what causes hives to appear.
Calamine lotion
Products containing calamine can help relieve itching by cooling your skin. You can apply calamine lotion directly to your skin:
Make sure you mix the lotion before using it by shaking the container.
Put some calamine lotion on a cotton pad or cloth.
Apply the pad or cloth directly to the hives and let dry.
You can treat the hives with calamine lotion as necessary.
For more tips to get rid of hives and angioedema, watch these 3 videos-
Hives generally fade within 24 hours and don’t require treatment. If your symptoms worsen or last longer than a couple of days, see your doctor.
However, you should seek immediate medical attention if you experience any of the following:
dizziness
swelling in your throat or face
difficulty breathing
These may be signs of a severe allergic reaction and require emergency care.
By Dr. Gary M. Levin, who creates the Natural Urticaria & Angioedema Treatment program. Based on his long term studies and research, he comes up with some tested and proven methods for treating hives and angioedema.
He believes the root cause of hives and angioedema is an overactive immune system. The healing process is done by using a simple step-by-step method that rids you of all types of urticaria and angioedema diseases. In his step-by-step treatment system, you’ll learn how a healthy, natural drink available from any grocery store, plus a special vitamin regimen, will completely rid you of your current skin condition.
The vast majority of people who use his treatment method see a major improvement within just a few short weeks. If you have suffered from a skin condition for more than a year it may take you more time to clean and reset your body but the results are almost always the same.
Gallstone Diet – How Your Diet Can Prevent and Naturally Treat Gallstones
Most people don’t realize that a gallstone diet can naturally treat and prevent gallstones. Your diet can be a type of holistic treatment that can assist your body to flush gallstones.
Too often, though our diets are just the opposite of a good gallstone diet. So what does a natural health gallstone diet consist of?
Ways of Treating Gallstones Naturally
Your diet can have an effect to treat this painful disease that causes over half a million people to lose their gallbladders each year.
Can you avoid gallbladder surgery with the right diet? Yes, you can avoid surgery if you start applying a natural gallstone cure centered around a proper gallstone diet.
7 Tips to Start Your Gallstone Diet
1. Fats and Cholesterol – Most gallstones are caused by eating too much fat and cholesterol. So try to avoid fatty foods, cholesterol, and processed foods as much as possible. Most Americans get about 60-100 grams of fat each day. You should cut back to about 30 grams of fat each day during the first 14 days of your natural gallstone treatment.
2. Fruits and Vegetables – Get plenty of fruits and vegetables in your diet. Eat raw whenever possible instead of cooking. What’s great about fruits and vegetables is the high amount of water soluble fiber in them which helps to naturally flush your system. Be careful not to overdo it at first, since you might get diarrhea. To start, eat 5 fruits and vegetables a day.
3. Whole Grains – These are the good carbohydrates you should be eating in place of anything ‘enriched,’ such as white bread. Look for cereals that contain at least 5 grams of fiber. Breads should include at least 3 grams of fiber.
4. Dairy – If you drink milk, then replace any whole milk products with skim and fat-free milk products. This includes all whole milks and cheeses and whole milk sour creams. Get at least 2 cups of fat-free dairy products each day.
5. Protein – While meat and protein are necessary for a healthy diet, you need to get it from good protein sources. These include poultry, lean pork, choice beef cuts, and mostly fat-free (95%) lunch meats. Avoid fatty meats when choosing your meals. For example, between bacon and Canadian bacon, it’s the Canadian bacon that’s leaner. Should you fry or grill? Grilling is leaner.
6. Drinks – You can still drink a soft drink or cup of coffee now and then. Just make sure to drink a glass of water right after. Water flushes you naturally and helps your whole body to work better. Divide your body weight in two. That’s how much water (in ounces) you should drink every day.
7. Desserts – Who doesn’t like desserts? Fortunately, there are plenty of healthy alternatives to fatty desserts which can contribute to gallstones. Cakes, pies, cookies, chocolates, sherbet, and yogurt are all available in healthy, more natural varieties.
Save Your Gallbladder and Naturally Flush Gallstones
Your diet is a good place to start treating gallstones. Other good choices that can prevent gallstones include vitamins, supplements, and herbs.
Experts also suggest a natural gallbladder and liver cleanse that is explained in detail in the Gallstone Elimination Website.
Their simple, proven gallstone home remedy can pass your gallstones safely and pain free in under 24 hours. Please visit their website to learn about this safe gallstone home remedy.
Which Natural Gallstones Remedies Can Help Me Avoid Gallbladder Surgery?
There seems to be a mystery around gallstones natural remedies. Your doctor will probably neglect to inform you of the many safe and effective natural treatments for gallstones.
Yet thousands of people have now treated their gallstones with simple natural remedies.
Why You Should Consider a Natural Gallstones Remedy Before You Decide to Get Gallbladder Surgery
I have been able to help many people avoid gallbladder surgery. A lot of these people had actually scheduled the surgery and were able to cancel it after they tried my gallstone home remedies.
Beware: Doctors will not always inform you of the potential dangerous side effects of gallbladder surgery. Did you know, for example, that people who get this surgery face a higher risk of developing colon and bowel cancers later on?
Treating Gallstones with Natural Home Remedies
Here are some safe, natural tips that can help you avoid surgery:
1. For the entire next week, avoid foods high in fat and high in cholesterol. This includes most foods that come from animals, such as dairy products and meats.
2. Also for the first week, start eating plenty of fiber of bran, which can begin to flush your digestive organs and start reducing your gallbladder pain. Fruits, vegetables, and oat bran are great sources.
3. Vitamin C, also known as ascorbic acid has been shown to help reduce gallstones. It does this by converting excess cholesterol into bile. This is good, since most gallstones are mostly made up of cholesterol. Try getting at least 1000 mg of Vitamin C three times a day.
4. Cleanse your body by flushing out the toxins in your system. This leads to flushing your gallstones naturally as well. Here’s what has helped many people lower their toxin levels: Lecithin (1200 mg two times a day), Flaxseed oil (2 teaspoons every day), and Taurine (1 gram two times a day).
What is that? It’s a simple gallstones home remedy plan that is guaranteed to pass gallstones naturally and end your gallstone pain in less than 24 hours.
It was designed by David Smith, a former gallstones sufferer after many years of researching and trying virtually all the options for treating gallstones. Finally, he discovered this simple gallstones home remedy that worked.
It’s easy and only involves some common grocery store items.
If you want to learn how to stop being shy around girls, then this post will break it down for you in 3 simple steps that you can start using today.
A lot of the information on the internet about overcoming shyness around girls is just plain wrong. Back when I was shy around girls, I remember reading things like “Don’t talk too much. Listen and let her talk” or “What’s the worst thing that can happen?”
That type of advice would be great for someone who was already a blabbermouth, but how about the guy who is ACTUALLY SHY? What about the guy who can’t just go talk to a woman because he feels too nervous? What about the guy who’s smart enough to know that nothing really bad can happen, but he still feels that overwhelming anxiety that stops him every time?
Eventually I realized most of the people typing this stuff up had never been shy around girlsthemselves, and so they didn’t even know what actually useful advice might look like.
This post is for the guys who feel really anxious, scared and inhibited around girls. If you get a strong physical feeling of anxiety when you think of talking to a girl you like, or you feel a powerful, paralyzing hesitation when you want to approach or ask out a girl, then this post is for you.
I’ve broken it down to three parts: Overcoming inferiority, not being too invested, and becoming assertiveness. This post is going to go into more depth than anything else out there. Bookmark this page now so you can come back to it again and again.
Now here’s step one…
1. Overcome Your Inferiority
From my experience teaching hundreds of shy people over the past couple of years, both guys and girls, I’ve found the cause of most shyness is a feeling of inferiority. If you feel you are somehow “less valuable” than the girl, then you will feel shy and nervous around her.
Let me illustrate this with an example.
Unattractive Girl Syndrome
Imagine a girl you know who is unattractive to you, perhaps she is overweight or just not your type. Do you feel any anxiety or nervousness around her? No, probably not. And if you do, it will still be far less than around the girl you are attracted to.
Think about the way you talk to girls who you aren’t really attracted to. Are you more relaxed and casual around them? Do you talk to them the same way you would talk to a guy friend? Meanwhile around a girl you find attractive your mind suddenly goes blank and you can’t think of what to say.
Why does this happen? Why are you only shy around certain girls? This happens when you place so much value on looks that a good looking girl becomes intimidating.
The solution is, of course, to stop placing so much value on looks. Treat an attractive girl in the same casual, natural way you would treat a guy friend or unattractive girl. Sure, you may be attracted more to a good looking girl, but physical looks alone shouldn’t be enough to immediately make you intimidated and won over.
I remember back when I was very shy around girls, I would start to really like a girl and start to fantasize about our future together… without ever really having talked to her!
In hindsight, it seems so foolish, yet so many shy guys do it. They become infatuated with a girl just based on how she looks from a distance. They haven’t even talked to her yet, yet they start to imagine a future together with her. (I’ll talk more about these unrealistic fantasies later.)
It’s better to have an attitude of “what else do you offer?” Does the girl have something other than her looks going for her? There are plenty of cute girls in the world, but it’s rare to find a girl you can have fun with and one that has a personality that “clicks” with yours.
Do not put the girl on a pedestal before you even know her. Treat her as an equal human being, not a goddess. That’s why so many women give guys the advice to “be yourself.” They don’t like it when a guy is trying hard to impress them and get them to like him. Especially when they haven’t done anything to deserve his attention yet except looking pretty.
Realize that how someone looks does not dictate how valuable they are. Being good looking is more about luck in getting the right genes than anything else. Would you think that a lottery winner was superior to you?
Being Less Experienced
Another way of feeling inferior is thinking that being less experienced than the girl with relationships will immediately make you repulsive to her.
Back when I was shy, I remember I kept having to think I had to “hide” the fact I had never had a girlfriend. I thought that if the girl realized from the way I acted that I was romantically or sexually inexperienced, then that meant she would just get up and leave automatically.
The truth is, by having an attitude of feeling undeserving of more experienced girls, then you are only sabotaging yourself. If you have grown up somewhat shy and socially awkward, then it will be almost inevitable that most girls will be more experienced than you.
In order to “catch up,” you need to start to talk to, and become involved with, these girls. That’s actually a great perspective to have. The fact that you are less experienced than average does not mean girls do not like you. It just means that you have some catching up to do because of your shyness or social anxiety. You just started later than everyone else. And that brings me to the last point…
Being Hard On Yourself and Insecure
Remember the first key lesson: The less valuable you think you are compared to someone, the more shy you will feel around them. Inferiority makes you feel not entitled to be confident and express your personality.
Ask yourself: “How do I make myself feel inferior than other people?”
One big problem you may have to overcome is your own thoughts. Many shy people have a constant stream of thoughts that point out what a loser they are.
If you constantly think about why you’re a loser, how you aren’t good looking, how you have some physical flaw that needs to be fixed, how you’re a loner with little or no friends, how you’ve never even kissed a girl, etc … then you are just sabotaging yourself.
By being too hard on yourself and being insecure about your appearance you are constantly reinforcing the idea in your mind that you are inferior to the girl. This makes it IMPOSSIBLE for you to be confident around her, because you think she is more valuable.
And if you are lacking confidence and can’t even talk to her normally, then you have no chance of attracting her and forming a relationship.
Confidence and personality are more attractive than physical appearance to most girls. Your looks don’t matter nearly as much as you think they do. If you don’t believe me, then look around. All the good looking girls are around the confident, popular, charismatic guys.
On the other hand, many of the good looking guys who are shy are stuck alone or with a girl they’re not really attracted to. Looks matter much more to guys than girls.
So the most important thing is to cut out any thoughts that sabotage your confidence or make you inhibited. This means to notice when you are having self-defeating thought patterns and stop them in their tracks.
Any thought that makes you think you are less valuable will only sabotage your progress in becoming less shy around girls. Notice when they occur, challenge them with the ideas you’ve learned so far, and instead try to focus on your good qualities that you are proud of.
Remind yourself that girls aren’t really after the best-looking guy, but one who can be confident and talk to them without being intimidated by their superficial qualities.
2. Stop Being Too Invested in One Particular Girl
If there’s one thing that all shy guys have in common, it’s that they have a tendency to pick one girl that may show them even the slightest interest and then become obsessed by her.
Stop The Unrealistic Fantasies
Do you find yourself picking out one girl that you like and then thinking for hours about what it would be like to date her and have a relationship with her?
Maybe the girl showed you a little bit of interest. Maybe you just talked to her once for a couple minutes. Or maybe she’s in your class and you’ve never spoken a word to her before.
If you are constantly fixated on one girl at a time and playing out fantasies in your head about what it would be like to date her, then you are again sabotaging yourself.
What do you think happens when you decide you want to finally go talk to the girl in real life? You’re too nervous to even move. You’ve thought about her so long and built her up in your mind into such a perfect creature that you become literally paralyzed by fear.
Meanwhile, the girl may not even be aware that you even exist.
All the thinking makes you unable to approach her and talk to her casually. And even if you do, the way you behave around her still communicates to her that you would be totally crushed if she was to disapprove of you in any way or reject you.
The problem is, you became too emotionally invested in the girl before she had done anything to earn your attention. You put so much time and effort thinking about her that her rejection of you would ruin your fantasyland image of you two together.
Don’t Have Too Many Expectations
One thing in particular shy guys do is they may talk to an attractive girl for a few seconds and then put too much meaning into the interaction. They may start fantasizing about the girl like I said above. They may go out of their way to pass her in the hallway. They may even stalk her photos on Facebook.
The key to avoiding this issue is to talk to girls without having a hidden agenda to make her your one true love. Don’t have too many expectations about a future relationship with any one particular girl until you have spent a decent amount of time getting to know her.
The reason why is that people tend to put out their best parts for the world to see.
Until you have gotten to know someone over a period of time, you have no idea what they’re actually like. That girl you think is perfect may be annoying to hang out with, she may be needy, she may be insecure despite being beautiful, she may be completely unintelligent, or she may be into the celebrity gossip shows you hate.
And if you don’t get to know her, then you’ll never realize you were just seeing her through rose-colored glasses.
The point is, don’t be won over by looks alone. There are plenty of cute girls out there. Many of those are as cute as the one you are obsessed about … and they have a personality you will like spending time with!
I’m sure you’ve heard the saying:
For every hot girl out there, there’s some guy that’s sick of f**king her.
So after you’ve talked to some girl, don’t start imagining a future together with her right away. This will just make you nervous to ever talk to her again. Instead, keep it casual and see where it goes.
Guys who have little relationship experience tend to be naive and think that most relationships develop like a romantic movie from Hollywood. Two lovers fall into each other’s arm when they first see each other. The reality is much different. Long-term relationships develop over time and are always a work-in-progress.
3. Be Assertive
One way to stop being so invested in one particular girl is to have many options instead of one. The best way to do this is to talk to many women on a weekly or daily basis. If you only talk to one new girl a month, then it will be hard not to think about her. But if you are constantly meeting new girls then it becomes a lot easier to see her as just a girl you talked to one time and that’s it.
Fate Doesn’t Exist
Many guys who are inexperienced with women have wrong and naive ideas about how relationships work. Maybe you think that the best strategy to get a girlfriend is to wait for the right circumstances.
Are you waiting for a situation where you just happen to meet a girl, you magically aren’t nervous about talking to her, don’t have to ask her out, and she makes all the moves? That’s like waiting for the stars to align.
The harsh reality is that you are going to have to work and learn to cope with your nervousness if you want to have a girlfriend. The universe will not deliver one to you. Sure, you may get lucky a couple times where a girl puts in much of the work to get to know you, asks you out, and makes all the moves. BUT … she probably won’t be the same girl that you want!
If you want something, you’ve got to go after it, especially when it comes to dating for guys.
Guys Are the Ones Who Make Moves
In our society, or perhaps due to our biological programming, it’s guys who need to be assertive about meeting new girls and becoming physical with them.
Don’t like that? Too bad. That’s just the way it works. It may suck if you’re a shy guy, but it is what it is. Learn to accept it and live with it.
You’re going to be the one to approach. You’re going to be the one who asks for the phone number. You’re going to be the one who goes for the kiss. Going after a girl you want involves risking rejection every step of the way.
How do you overcome this fear of rejection? You desensitize yourself to it so many times that it doesn’t bother you much anymore.
Don’t Hesitate
Being assertive is like a muscle. The more you do it, the less effort it takes.
When you want to talk to the girl you like, you will probably hesitate a little.
You’ll stop yourself.
Then when you try to do it in a couple minutes again, your “mental barrier” to acting becomes higher. It becomes even more difficult to “just do it.”
And the longer you think about whether you should make your move or not, the more anxiety you feel. It’s just like when you think of a girl for months and it becomes impossible to talk to her. You’ve built it up in your mind so much that you’ve become a victim of paralysis by analysis.
Instead, you need to act more upon that first impulse. That first impulse is your best shot at actually doing it. All the thinking that happens later only serves to talk you out of acting on that impulse.
If you talk to a girl and she doesn’t like you, then don’t start thinking of ways to make her like you. There are literally billions of girls out there, just try a different one.
I hope these tips help you to get over your shyness around girls. Much of this information was a turning point for me going from a hopeless guy with extreme shyness and social awkwardness to someone who has overcome shyness and has decent social skills. Enough to talk to girls I’m attracted to without feeling shy at all.
By Sean W Cooper, the author of The Shyness and Social Anxiety System, is an ex-sufferer from social anxiety and shyness. This program is a compilation of his research and effort in overcoming shyness and anxiety.
Sean W Cooper’s Shyness and Social Anxiety system is a step by step audio course broken down into modules that are easy to access. It teaches you ways to start overcoming your social anxiety and self-doubt. The system utilises cognitive behavioural therapy which explores how feelings and thoughts can drive behaviour.
The Shyness and Social Anxiety system is endorsed by professionals and praised by psychologists due to the way it provides the relevant skills to manage issues of shyness and social anxiety.
3 Steps to Get a Girlfriend If You’re Shy or Insecure
It’s tough being a shy guy in the dating game. I’ve heard the same cries for help repeated countless times from “smart” and “nice” guys who have been totally ignored by women most of their life. I was one of them.
Growing up, if I liked a girl, then it would feel literally impossible for me to ask her out. What if she said no? Then I’d have to awkwardly see her at school or work again and again.
Even worse: what if she liked me too? Then what would we talk about? What if the date was super awkward? What do people even do with a partner?
And to top it off, for years I was extremely insecure. I knew I looked ugly growing up, I was scared to smile because of my slightly crooked front teeth, and I believed my appearance was the reason no girls ever showed interest in me. Many shy guys are the same way. We’re devastatingly insecure about either our appearance or lifestyle (being a loser/loner).
So for years, I watched from the sidelines as the girls I liked went out with the more popular and confident guys.
Shy women usually don’t have the same problems that shy guys do. As long as a girl is attractive to a man, he will often see her as girlfriend material… even if she happens to be shy, quiet or socially awkward. (Don’t get me wrong, women have many of their own unique frustrations in dating. But being shy is usually not the same insurmountable block for them as it is for men.)
The truth is that many shy men can easily go years without having a girlfriend, dating or even kissing a girl. Some women claim that shyness is cute and that you should just “be yourself”… but when they say “shy” they probably mean the strong silent type of guy, not the nervous shaky socially awkward mess like many of us are.
Why Is Being a Shy Guy So Difficult?
Well, the first obvious reason is that confidence and social status are some of the most attractive things to a woman. Think back to your high school, who were all the cutest girls dating? The popular and cool guys, the ones who spoke up fearlessly, a.k.a. the ones with the most social power.
Even when women say they like a guy with “intelligence”or a “sense of humor”… well you have to have some social skills for people to even see you have these qualities! If you’re sitting in a corner of class not saying a word to anyone, nobody gets a chance to see how smart or funny you are.
A second problem: It’s extremely rare for a girl to initiate and ask a guy out. At best, they might send body language signals they are interested, but guys often miss or misinterpret these signals.
So shy guys have to somehow overcome that paralyzing anxiety we feel when being around a girl we find attractive and usually society puts the pressure on us to be the more assertive one.
Lastly, what do you even say to her? This is one of the most common question I get. And if you don’t know how to carry on an enjoyable interesting conversation that spark a girl’s interest… then no girl will ever seem interested in you, and asking her out may even be a weird thing to do. (So later you’ll learn more about how and what to talk about with women.)
In this post, I’m going to provide you with key pointers to getting the relationship you want. I’m going to start off with the basics so that even a guy who is a virgin and totally confused about dating, can begin taking his first steps to having a girlfriend.
1. Where to Meet a Girl?
There is no one-size-fits-all answer for where to find your dream girl. Successful couples have met each other in many different places, in many different ways. In fact, one of my reasons for writing this post is to bust a lot of the MYTHS that some so-called “pick up” or dating coaches are spreading.
Busting The Clubs & Bars Myth
When I was first trying to overcome my shyness around girls… I went out of my way to go to clubs. Why? Because some random dating coaches online recommended it. My apartment was even a few blocks away from one of the main nightlife areas in the city, so it was easy to walk there.
Can you guess what happened? Clubs were awful (to me). I hated the obnoxious blaring music. Pretending that I liked dancing. Heck, I barely even drank alcohol.
So I had basically thrown myself into a social situation where it’s the HARDEST to meet women if you’re a more introverted or intelligent guy. It took me a few months of banging my head against the wall to realize the obvious:
Women are everywhere. And the vast majority of women aren’t going to be out clubbing past maybe a few times in their college years. (Maybe they’ll sometimes go to bars with friends.)
But that’s actually a good thing, because most women spend their time in less obnoxious environments. And while other dating coaches advise to chat to people in coffee shops, bookstores and supermarkets, I believe it’s more important to think about:
Where Can You Meet a Compatible Girl?
Stop thinking about where to meet any girl. Start thinking about where you can meet the girl who is right for you.
The problem with meeting girls at nightclubs or even going to one of those”single people events” is that there’s a very small chance that you are compatible with a random girl.
If you’re into self-development or health, then maybe the best place to meet someone for you is at a yoga class, meditation class or health course.
If you’re a college student, then maybe that’s the girl beside you in class, or the one picking up a book similar to the one you’re buying at the bookstore.
If you’re a frat bro that likes to drink lots of beer and watch sports (if you’re reading this post, probably not…) then maybe a sports bar or frat party is the right place for you.
The first step to finding a girlfriend is to put yourself into situations where you can meet many different girls that have a high chance of being compatible with you. This doesn’t mean you both need to be the #1 and #2 Harry Potter fans. It’s more about finding people who have compatible values, lifestyle, and personal energy.
(Side note: Approaching random people is risky, you’re always taking the chance they will take your approach as unwanted. So if you do this, always be as respectful of the other person as you can and mindful of their safety. For example, don’t try starting a conversation in a place where they can’t quickly leave like an elevator or bus. When I was younger I did approach random people in bars and in the city, and while it’s a very inefficient way of meeting someone truly compatible, it did help me to build my confidence and social skills. Meeting people at a business or networking event feels easy in comparison to the intense fear of rejection most men feel even thinking about saying hi to a beautiful woman.)
So, where do most guys meet their girlfriends?
Through school, work or hobbies. (This is probably the best place, where you’ll meet people similar to your age with overlapping values/interests. But at work most people know it’s best to avoid any romance, unless it’s absolutely clear you’re both very interested in each other and you want to date in a more conservative/traditional way.)
Through friends. (And where do you meet friends? Through one of the places in point #1.)
Online dating is also getting more popular. Although I’m personally not a big fan, almost a quarter of adults ages 25-34 years old have now used online dating. (source)
Exercise
Write down a list of 5 places you could go to meet compatible women. If you’re at home all day every day, then the rest of this post won’t help you much. You have to put yourself into situations where you have a chance to come in contact with women.
That’s the first step. If you don’t have many friends or a social circle, then you’ll have to get some or be proactive in other ways.
Remember any hobbies have you ever thought of trying (drawing, martial arts, volleyball, etc) and see where those classes are offered. Even if you don’t meet a girlfriend, you could make new friends that later introduce you to the girls in their social circle.
Now to the next step…
2. Why Aren’t Women Attracted to You?
Growing up, I was surrounded by girls. (Most of us are.) I saw hundreds of girls in classes, part time jobs or elsewhere. And yet, I still never had a girlfriend. Even in my first year of university, where there were so many cute women everywhere, I still didn’t manage to go on my first date.
So clearly, just being in a situation where you’re NEAR a lot of girls is not automatically going to get you a girlfriend.
Don’t Be Yourself
Well-meaning people may tell shy guys that you just need to “be yourself” and eventually some girl will fall in love with you. Just like in the movies.
Don’t believe them. The movies aren’t real. Script writers just write what people WANT to be true. Here’s how reality actually works:
If you keep doing what you’ve always done, you’ll keep getting what you’ve always gotten.
“Being yourself” is not going to get you a girlfriend. You’ve already tried that. Has it worked? Since you’re reading this article, probably not. So if you want a girlfriend, then you’ll need to do something different. You’ll need to BE someone different.
Looking back now, it’s no wonder girls never showed any interest in me. The truth was, I was a loner and not a very attractive person. Constantly depressed, feeling awful, insecure, little sense of fashion and not able to even look a cute woman in the eyes for more than 1 second.
I had to change myself and my behavior before my dating results changed. I had to become a more assertive, outgoing and interesting person. I had to overcome many of my old anxieties and build new conversation skills. I had to learn how to become comfortable with myself and comfortable connecting with other people.
(Important note: Becoming comfortable with yourself is much different than “being yourself” and not changing. You cannot have close personal relationships unless you are comfortable with yourself.)
How Attraction Works, According to Science
First, let’s think about what attracts men.
What grabs your attention? If we’re going to be honest, it’s a woman’s appearance first and foremost. A cute face, nice breasts, round hips, soft skin, a certain walk. Men are wired to feel attraction to a woman whose body displays signs of fertility, health and youth.
I want you to now imagine a girl or woman you have a crush on. How does she look? Probably really cute. Guys can like a girl a lot just because of how she looks… even if you’ve barely talked to her in the past.
Now, I’m not saying that looks are everything to men, but in the beginning they’re the primary thing that attracts us to a girl in the first place. Only after we find a girl physically attractive are we open to being even more won over by her personality, common interests, etc.
Was there ever a time when you didn’t notice a girl at all (weren’t attracted), then she turned out to have a sense of humor and you were now very interested? Probably not, yet this happens to women all the time.
Why do men tend to be visual and more superficial? Because that’s the way evolution designed us. It wired us to be attracted to a women likely to produce healthy kids with great genes.
For example, ever noticed how the woman is almost always a few years younger than the man in any couple? Have you ever wondered why this is? Why isn’t the women in a couple usually the older one?
Because a younger woman was more likely to have a healthy pregnancy in the past.
Whether this is true or not today doesn’t matter. It was true a few thousand and a few million years ago. And that’s when the attraction circuits in our brains were designed by evolution. Cavemen who mated with younger women were more likely to have healthy and surviving kids, so now guys are wired to be attracted to younger women in general.
(Note that I’m talking about what is generally true, but there are always many exceptions.)
Scientific studies have also found that men across cultures prefer about a 0.7 hip-to-waist ratio. Why? Because it’s this body shape that would most successfully give birth to a child in our distant past.
Turns out human babies have really big heads to fit our big brains. On top of that, the fat stores around the hips are used in the later stages of pregnancy, allowing a woman to survive to have the baby and breastfeed it in our past when food was scarce.
“Between 1955 and 1987 the waist- hip ratio of Ms America contestants and Playboy playmates varied only between 0.68 and 0.71.” – Professor Devendra Singh at the University of Texas
This male desire for youth, health and fertility is also why women have the instinct of beauty enhancement. Across almost all cultures, almost all women wear makeup to make their lips and eyes look bigger… and almost all guys don’t.
Younger women also wear much more revealing or skintight clothing than guys do, at least in the countries without conservative taboos about women’s clothing.
The reason why I’m explaining to you how a man’s attraction system works is so you realize that attraction is not a choice. You cannot choose who you are attracted to or not. Attraction is a reaction, it’s a feeling that happens automatically in response to a stimulus. For men that stimulus is firstly visual: long shiny hair, big eyes, a curvy body, etc.
Now here’s where all this science becomes useful…
What Makes a Man Attractive?
Women are also attracted to indicators that their offspring and genes would survive… but this has little to do with the man’s body.
Here’s how the entertaining evolutionary biology book (which you can buy on Amazon), “It’s Not You, It’s Biology” explains it:
A man is attracted to a women’s ability to grow a baby inside her. A woman is attracted to a man’s ability to grow a baby outside him. How does he do that? Resources.
In any species that survives by cooperation, stuff is gotten through social power. In all social species with pair-bonds, females are attracted to evidence that males display a chance for power in the community.
Humans compete less for territory than for rank. The attention of the tribe is a kind of psychic territory where we harvest the resources we cooperative apes need to survive. He who controls the attention is high status and sexually attractive.
It basically means your looks aren’t nearly as important to attract a girlfriend as you probably believed. Sure, if you’re physically unattractive or overweight, it may be harder… but the primary thing that attracts or repels girls is not your looks.
I’ll mention this example again…
If you think back to your high school or college, who were all the cutest girls dating? The popular and charismatic guys, the ones who threw parties, led the sports team, etc. There’s a reason why the stereotype of the high school quarterback dating the school cheerleader exists. Back in my high school, I can remember two guys who were very chubby, but they still got girlfriends easily because they were funny and confident.
And here’s more good news: confidence and social status are mostly communicated with your behavior. It’s about the way you talk, the way you act, the way your beliefs work. And your behavior can be changed with learning, practice and repetition. This means you can become more attractive to women by working on yourself.
First You Need to Feel Valuable Inside
There’s just one problem: confidence is hard to fake. If you feel insecure about how you look, and you secretly think you’re a loser compared to other people, and you’re sweating with nervousness whenever you talk to a cute woman… then it’s going to be really difficult to just “act” confident.
This is why in my courses I focus a lot on changing your inner thought patterns and beliefs, not just learning new conversation tricks. When you feel good about yourself, then confidence comes more easily and naturally.
If you can see a woman as a human being with her own quirks, weaknesses and flaws (just like you), then you won’t feel nearly as intimidated by her. And when you feel comfortable, it’s much easier for your natural personality and sense of humor to shine through like it does among your closest friend.
That’s also why often the best dating advice is to work on yourself. Improving your grooming, style and lifestyle will make you feel like a much more valuable person, and that will naturally shine through to anyone that talks to you.
In fact, this question reveals that most shy guys are focused on the wrong thing.
Much more important than the words you say to her is how you talk to her. Of course, you don’t want to awkwardly be running out of things to say, but a girl becomes attracted to a guy because of the behavior underneath his words, not because of the words themselves.
The Behavior Underneath Your Words
What do I mean by this? Well, the most straightforward examples are:
Strong eye contact. Most shy guys break eye contact with people quickly because the tension makes them too nervous. Yet being able to comfortably look her directly in the eyes is a sign of a high status man. (In fact, this is why you should never look monkeys in the eye… they may feel their dominance threatened and attack you.)
A clear resonant voice. Speaking up in a clear way shows people that you value what comes out of your mouth. Instead of a weak voice that people find hard to hear. I believe this is a sign of approval-seeking: people are hard to hear when they are afraid of being judged. And signs of seeking approval are low status and therefore unattractive.
Feeling relaxed and comfortable inside. Something I learned from Dr. Robert Glover: a woman is looking for a man to be part of her emotional security system. So if you are nervously fidgeting and feeling tense, then she can’t relax talking to you, and will be instinctively turned off.
These are just 3 simple examples of behaviors that can instantly make you more or less attractive to a girl. These types of behaviors underneath your words communicate more about you and your level of social “power”, than words ever could. Scientists call this your meta-communication. Improve it, and you’ll become much more attractive to women.
(Important note: Nobody needs to have perfect bullet-proof “alpha male” confidence to get a girlfriend, you just need to make some improvements in the right direction.)
As long as we’re on the topic of how to talk to girls, I need to mention one more thing…
Touch Her!
Okay, let’s clear this up: obviously most of us know not to randomly touch a woman we’ve just begun talking to.
But when you’ve made it on a date, and if both of you are feeling chemistry (enthusiastic talking/laughing) then you can try some light touches on the shoulder/forearm at high points in the conversation.
If you do this casually without bringing attention to it, then it won’t be inappropriate. In fact, when guys talk to each other they often lightly touch or tap each other like this all the time, on the back, shoulders or arms.
A small amount of safe physical touch (in the context of a romantic date) can be the secret to avoiding the “friend zone” many guys complain about and turning a regular friendly conversation into something with a romantic spark.
I hope this post has given you a few key pointers on where to meet a potential girlfriend, what really triggers a woman’s attraction, and how to communicate in a high status way so that women find you more attractive.
These insights really helped me, and now my dating life is certainly above average. I’ve dated multiple women who have offered to be my girlfriend. Having choice instead of loneliness feels great, and I deeply wish for you to experience the same transformation I did.
By Sean W Cooper, the author of The Shyness and Social Anxiety System, is an ex-sufferer from social anxiety and shyness. This program is a compilation of his research and effort in overcoming shyness and anxiety.
Sean W Cooper’s Shyness and Social Anxiety system is a step by step audio course broken down into modules that are easy to access. It teaches you ways to start overcoming your social anxiety and self-doubt. The system utilises cognitive behavioural therapy which explores how feelings and thoughts can drive behaviour.
The Shyness and Social Anxiety system is endorsed by professionals and praised by psychologists due to the way it provides the relevant skills to manage issues of shyness and social anxiety.
