How to be More Extroverted and Confident by Being Less Logical?

 

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How to Become More Extroverted by Being Less Logical

Do you ever feel you are unable to be social or funny after doing a very logical activity?

It could be a tough homework assignment. Or it could be some project at work that involves you thinking on it deeply for hours at a time.

Maybe you find that after a couple hours of deep thinking, you just aren’t able to be funny or social. It’s like all the fun energy has been sucked out of you.

In this post I’m going to explain why this happens and what to do about it.

Your Brain Works Like a Muscle

Here’s the first thing you need to know: Many shy and introverted people are very logical thinkers.

A lot of them are used to thinking logically most of the time. They may be an engineer, computer programmer, or something similar. This means they are coming up with logic all day.

Why does this matter?

The brain is a funny thing in that the more you do something, the better you get at it. This is called neuroplasticity.

If you spend ten hours a day playing tennis than you will get better at it. Not only will you get better at it, but your brain will actually physically change to adapt to your actions. It will create more neural connections in the parts of your brain needed to play tennis, which makes you into a tennis-playing genius.

You can think of it like building muscle. The more you use a certain muscle group, the bigger it gets, which allows you to lift more in the future.

So the more you use logical thought daily, the better you get at thinking logically. That part of your brain grows and develops. If you’re a computer programmer, this makes you very good at your job over a period of time.

Unfortunately, there’s another side to this that isn’t as beneficial.

Your brain also shrinks the parts of your brain that you don’t use as much. It’s the same as if you have built up a lot of muscle, then you stop working out, and your muscles start to shrink because you aren’t using them anymore. Your brain will physically shrink and even remove the neural connections you do not use very often. In psychology this is called synaptic pruning.

This is the dark side to being very logical all day. If you are logical, then you aren’t able to use different parts of your brain, and that makes them shrink.

The Logical and Emotional Parts of Your Brain

When it comes to being social, your thinking can be separated into two rough categories: logical and emotional.

Logic is the opposite of emotion. When you are in a very logical state of mind all the time, you’ll find it difficult to do things that require the use of the emotional part of your brain.

The logical part of your brain is what you use when you are solving some mental problem, being serious and concentrated, and trying to reach some goal.

You are using the logical part when you are in a business meeting or a job interview and you are talking to people in order to accomplish something or convey some information.

On the other hand, the emotional part is what you use when you are having fun, being spontaneous, and talking freely. Whenever you are talking to someone just for the sake of talking and sharing good emotions between you two you are using the emotional part. Whenever you find yourself having a conversation that doesn’t make much sense logically, but you are talking just to share a good atmosphere between you and someone else, you are using the emotional part.

Learning to Use the Emotional Part More in the Long-Term

Now, which part of your brain do you think is the one you should use when you are socializing? The emotional part of course.

The problem is, most people who are introverted are stuck in the logical part of their brain both in the long-term and in the short-term.

It’s like that quote that goes…

All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.

In the long-term, by being logical and not emotional for hours a day, you start to weaken your social muscles. It becomes more and more difficult to use the emotional part of your brain when you need it. You’ll see people having fun and you won’t be able to relate to it.

So, in the long-term, you have to make sure you use the emotional, fun-loving part of your brain on a consistent basis. 

Every day, joke around with someone, talk spontaneously using the methods I teach in my e-book. This makes sure the emotional part of your brain doesn’t shrink over time and it will build those “neural connections” we talked about at the beginning.

Switching into the Emotional Part More in the Short-Term

This also applies to the short-term. If you have been doing logical things all day, you won’t be able to just “snap into” the emotional part of your brain. For example, if you’ve been doing math homework for the past 2 hours then you are still stuck in the logical mode.

When you are still stuck in the logical mode, it’s going to be very difficult to go up to someone right away and start having fun with them and cracking jokes. You’re probably still going to feel very serious and analytical and not really in the mood for having fun.

So how can you fix this and stop being logical in the short-term?

I’ve found that the main thing is to increase the amount of time your mind is in the “emotional” state of mind vs. the logical one on a daily basis. Have you ever had a day where you spent a lot of time talking to many different people just having a good time?

By the end of the day, you’ve probably found that making conversation became absolutely effortless. This is because you were in the “emotional” state of mind a lot throughout the day. You gained a certain type of momentum that made it easy to have fun.

On the other hand, when you are in a logical state of mind, you have none of this momentum. You are trying to run from a standing start. Talking to people is difficult and feels like you are running uphill.

One technique you can use is to ease yourself into the emotional state of mind gradually. After you are done studying/thinking, try doing something that will get you out of that logical headspace before you go try to have a funny interesting conversation right away. Try watching some comedy or talk to someone in a more logical way to ease out of being so logical gradually.

It takes a little time for your mind to switch states, but after several minutes not doing anything logical you’ll start to feel less serious and more easygoing.

For more tips on how to be more extroverted and confident, watch this video – 3 Ways to Carry On a Conversation and Have Something to Say

If you found this post helpful, then click here check out my products on overcoming shyness and social anxiety.

You’ll learn techniques to become more extroverted, make more friends, and become less shy. All of them are backed by proven scientific and psychological knowledge, which is why they work.

To learn how to overcome your shyness or social anxiety faster than you ever thought possible, click here.

By Sean W Cooper, the author of The Shyness and Social Anxiety System, is an ex-sufferer from social anxiety and shyness. This program is a compilation of his research and effort in overcoming shyness and anxiety.

Sean W Cooper’s Shyness and Social Anxiety system is a step by step audio course broken down into modules that are easy to access. It teaches you ways to start overcoming your social anxiety and self-doubt. The system utilises cognitive behavioural therapy which explores how feelings and thoughts can drive behaviour. 

The Shyness and Social Anxiety system is endorsed by professionals and praised by psychologists due to the way it provides the relevant skills to manage issues of shyness and social anxiety.

To find out more, click on How to be More Extroverted and Confident?

3 Quick Tips on How to Speak Up More in a Conversation

 

CLICK HERE to Find Out How to Overcome Your Social Phobia

Are You Talking Enough? Should You Speak Up More?

Here’s a question I recently received from a reader:

Once I’m with someone (even my friends) I always gets thoughts of “should we be talking more” and “am I talking enough” or “this is getting awkward”. How can I stop these thoughts from occurring?

This is a great question.

One of the biggest frustrations I used to have a couple years ago was being called quiet by people. It annoyed me so much whenever someone would say “Why are you so quiet?”

But the truth is, back then, I definitely didn’t talk enough.

I was too scared to speak up around people I didn’t know well … and often I just didn’t know what to say. My mind seemed to go blank.

So there’s really 2 different answers to your question:

1. You can stop viewing silences as being awkward,

OR

• You can learn to talk more if you TRULY are too quiet.

I’ll start with the first one…

First, Is The Silence Really Awkward or Is It In Your Head?

Whether a silence is awkward or not often depends on WHO it happens with.

Silences can happen with strangers (people you don’t know well) and they can happen with close friends/family that you do know well.

Let me explain the difference between these two situations…

Silences with Strangers

Have you ever had a situation where you were talking to someone you didn’t really know that well and suddenly you ran out of things to say?

Maybe you just didn’t have much in common with this person so your mind totally blanked out about what to talk about next.

A big silence in conversation with someone you don’t know that well is almost always super-awkward. Especially if they can tell you are struggling to think of something to say.

In this situation, the solution is learning how to speak up more and not run out of things to say. (I’ll show you how to do this in a bit.)

And it’s usually better to end a conversation with someone you just met early if you can see you two don’t “click” than it is to keep going until you create an awkward silence.

Now let me move on to…

Silences with Close Friends or Family

If you often have silences happen with close friends or family, then you should know this is completely normal.

As I talked about in this article, friends allow silences to happen.

It’s completely normal to have gaps in the conversation if you’re spending a few hours with someone.

There’s just no way that most people can constantly talk for that long without becoming tired. (Introverts especially need some break time in conversations.)

In fact, if you’re trying to be friends with someone and you DON’T relax and allow silences to happen occasionally when you two are hanging out… if you are always trying to fill the silence, then they will probably be turned off.

Sometimes a fear of silence in this situation is simply revealing something about you.

Maybe it’s revealing that you think you need to constantly perform and “appear interesting” for other people to still like you?

No, quit being a performer. By being comfortable in silences with people you know better, it communicates that you are not insecure.

But Maybe Your Life Is Just Boring?

Here’s another question I received from a reader that relates to this:

What should I talk about with a girlfriend I spend a lot of time with? We live together and spend lots of time together.

This also applies to family members or close friends. I might have this problem because of a routine and boring job process – I work in the office and with numbers, not people.

And he kind of answered his own question.

The reason why he doesn’t have much to talk about is because his daily life is simply boring. There’s not much variety or newness in it.

If you ever feel like you’re just living the same day over and over again, then it’s time to break the pattern.

The solution here is simple. Go out, make a goal to do at least one interesting thing a week at least.

Read a news website you find interesting and share what you read. Some people have boring lives but lots to talk about because they aren’t afraid to share their opinions about everything.

Get some kind of hobby or interest that includes interaction with people. That puts some variety in your life. And then share what happens.

Having a boring life is simply a decision you’ve made. Having a more interesting one is also a matter of making different life choices in how you spend your time.

Now that I’ve covered a few of the different situations and causes of silences, let me move into the second part of the article, which is…

Second, Learn to Talk More

If you’ve read this far and decided that in some situations you definitely DO need to talk more often (and the awkward silence is not just in your head), then here’s a few quick tips…

1. Learn Conversation Threading

Click here to watch my video teaching Conversation Threading. This is something I think all shy and socially anxious people should know. It’s a simple technique that can allow you to always know what to say next in conversations.

This technique is almost like “training wheels” for having conversations. If you’re struggling right now with

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, then you can start out by using this technique all the time.

As you get more social experience, you’ll probably find that you won’t be using Conversation Threading as often anymore, because your intuition and natural social ability will improve with practice. Eventually, you’ll just be talking to people based on what you feel like saying.

But until you get to that point, Conversation Threading is an invaluable tool to help you speak up more often in conversations and avoid getting a blank mind.

2. Voice Agreement and Make Small Comments

This first trick is something I figured out because I was constantly being called “quiet.”

I was always that guy who didn’t talk much. If there was a group conversation, I would be the one standing off to the side just listening to everyone else talk.

Often I even “zoned out” and just starting daydreaming, barely paying any attention to what everyone else was saying.

I realized after a while that if I wanted to stay involved in the conversation, then it was important that I make small comments often.

The easiest way to do this is simply to voice agreement.

Every so often, after someone said something, I would simply say “yeah” or “right” or “really?” or something else similar.

So, for example:

Joe: Have you guys heard of what happened to the Mayor of Toronto?

Me: No, what happened?

Joe: He was caught smoking drugs!

Bob: I can’t believe he got away with it for so long!

Me: Yeah I know!

Bill: Right now I wouldn’t be surprised by anything he did haha.

Making these types of small comments allowed me to STAY IN the conversation.

Whereas before I would become invisible because I stayed silent, now that I was speaking up everyone knew I was there.

And by saying small things, I “warmed up” and was able to also speak up and make real comments much more often as well.

3. Make It Personal

If you find that a lot of your conversations are flat, boring and empty … and you have a hard time making connections with people that stick…. then this tip will definitely help you.

Basically, the idea is to GO BEYOND the surface-level content of your conversations.

Instead focus on what the content says ABOUT you and the other person.

What do I mean? Well, here’s an example of a bad conversation:

Bob: Looks like it’s gonna be cold today.

You: How cold did they say?

Bob: -10 degrees and snowing later.

You: Oh, it didn’t feel that cold walking here.

Bob: The wind isn’t too bad today.

This conversation is boring because there’s no self-disclosure.

Both people are not sharing anything about themselves — their
inner thoughts, feelings and motivations about the subject.

Here’s a good example:

Bob: Looks like it’s gonna be cold today.

You: How cold did they say?

Bob: -10 degrees and snowing later.

You: Oh, well I think it’s good that we’re finally getting snow. It’s really starting to feel like Christmas is coming.

Bob: Yeah, I think I might take my kids sledding if it’s not too cold. Otherwise it’ll be a good weekend to catch up on my favorite TV show, Breaking Bad.

Notice how much different and more interesting this conversation has become?

The magic words that changed everything are “I think.” Go back and noticed how both people said “I think.”

Using the words “I think” or “I feel” before saying something is an easy way to make sure you are making it personal. (This is a trick called “I Statements” I learned from David Hamilton.)

Another way to make conversations personal is through asking “why?”

So, continuing the conversation from before…

Bob: …Otherwise it’ll be a good weekend to catch up on my favorite TV show, Breaking Bad.

Me: I’ve heard a lot about that show. Why do you like Breaking Bad?

Bob: The characters, story and acting is incredible. It just keeps you hooked. When me and my wife first found out about the show, we ended up watching it for about 3 hours a day. We became addicted.

By asking the question “Why?”, you can dig past the surface content and learn something real about the other person. This is the easiest, most natural way to form connections.

People feel connected to those who understand them, their values and motivations.

For more ideas on how to speak up more in a conversation, watch these 2 videos –

10 ways to have a better conversation | Celeste Headlee

Secret To Getting Better At Talking To People

Conclusion

So there you go.

I hope this post answered the question “Am I talking enough?”

First, I showed you how to diagnose if the silence really was awkward, then I showed you 3 quick tips to speak up more.

And if you want the learn more conversation tips targeted specifically to the issues shy and socially anxious people face, then make sure you check out my complete system. I’ve poured hundreds of hours, and years of my life into it, so take a look by clicking here.

By Sean W Cooper, the author of The Shyness and Social Anxiety System, is an ex-sufferer from social anxiety and shyness. This program is a compilation of his research and effort in overcoming shyness and anxiety.

Sean W Cooper’s Shyness and Social Anxiety system is a step by step audio course broken down into modules that are easy to access. It teaches you ways to start overcoming your social anxiety and self-doubt. The system utilises cognitive behavioural therapy which explores how feelings and thoughts can drive behaviour. 

The Shyness and Social Anxiety system is endorsed by professionals and praised by psychologists due to the way it provides the relevant skills to manage issues of shyness and social anxiety.

To find out more, click on How to Speak Up More in a Conversation  ?

How to Maintain Eye Contact Without Being Creepy?

 

CLICK HERE to Find Out How to Overcome Your Social Phobia

How to Make Eye Contact Without Feeling Awkward?

Do you ever have trouble looking people in the eyes? You’re talking to someone, and you don’t know where to look.

For some reason, you get nervous and feel weird or uncomfortable making eye contact with people, as if you’re looking into the other person’s soul, or they will see into your soul.

Maybe you get this sudden urge to turn away and look anywhere but at their eyes. Maybe you also worry that if the other person can see your eyes, they will find out how awkward you feel talking to them and realize you’re a loser.

Have you ever wondered why you feel this way? Why you have such a hard time holding eye contact?

In this post I’ll answer this question, and I’ll also give you some tips about exactly how often and how long you should look someone in the eyes for it to seem “normal.”

Why Is Looking Someone in The Eyes Important?

I’m sure you’ve heard that old saying, “It’s not what you say but how you say it that matters.”

Most of human communication is nonverbal. One study at UCLA found that up to 93 percent of communication effectiveness has nothing to do with words. What really matters is your body language, vocal tonality and yes, eye contact.

Of all of these, arguably the most important is eye contact. Why? Because we form connections with people through eye contact. In fact, psychologist Arthur Aaron believed you can make anyone fall in love with you by asking them 36 personal questions and then looking them deeply in the eyes for 4 minutes.

So if you want to have real friendships and intimacy and not just shallow small talk, then you will have to start looking people in the eyes. That’s just the way humans work.

Are you human? Then you need to make eye contact, probably lots more than you do now. However, you also don’t want to creep the other person out.

How Much Eye Contact Is Normal?

Eye contact is like salt on french fries. Everyone has a different amount they like to have and it depends on the situation.

Too little salt and the fries are plain and boring. There’s no flavour. Are your conversations just plain boring because of a lack of eye contact? If you don’t look people in the eyes, then there is no real engagement between you two. The other person will feel like you’re not paying attention or you’ll seem really insecure.

However, too much of a good thing is also bad.

Too much salt and nobody will want to eat the fries either. They will spit them out right away. If you give too much eye contact, people will think it’s creepy and won’t want to be around you after their first taste.

That’s why it’s important to look people in the eyes the right amount of time, not too little and not too much.

Back when I was extremely shy and bad at making eye contact, I really wished someone would just tell me EXACTLY how long to look someone in the eyes.

So here are some quick and fast rules:

• When talking, make eye contact 1/3 of the time.

• When listening, make eye contact 2/3 of the time.

• For everyday conversation, make eye contact in spurts of 3-4 seconds.

(Side note: I’ve noticed that girls talking to their girlfriends usually make a lot more eye contact than guys talking to their guy friends. If you’re ever unsure about what the “right” amount of eye contact is, then observe how much eye contact the other person is giving you and match that.)

Romantic Situations

There are some situations where it’s okay to make a lot more eye contact than normal. These are situations where you are talking to someone you like, someone you’re attracted to, someone you’re flirting with.

In these situations, the more eye contact, the better. Of course, you shouldn’t be staring at them like a robot 100% of the time, but it’s perfectly okay to hold eye contact for 10-15 seconds or longer on a date. Holding eye contact for a long time like this creates a good type of tension that the other person will often feel as “butterflies” or a “romantic spark.”

Please use some common sense here though. Staring down a stranger on the bus is usually bad and creepy, whether you’re a man or a woman. But making really strong eye contact while you’re having a flirty conversation or on a date is usually really good. It depends on the situation.

How Do You Overcome the Fear and Discomfort?

You know that feeling of nervousness, discomfort, awkwardness or even fear that comes up when you look someone in the eyes? How do you get rid of that?

You’re not gonna like the answer.

…

The answer is practice.

The scientific word for this is progressive desensitization. What does that mean?

Imagine a large staircase. You are at the bottom, and everyone who has no problem making eye contact is at the top. You want to get to the top. How do you get there?

Do you:

1. Jump straight up from the bottom of the staircase to the top?

• Take the steps up, one at a time?

The logical solution is to take the steps up one at a time. And this is how you’ll train yourself to be more relaxed while making more eye contact with people.

At first you might not even be able to look at someone’s eyes for 1 second. That’s okay. Look in between their eyes at their nose instead. If they aren’t too close, they won’t be able to tell the difference.

Make a conscious effort to do this, every time you talk to someone, and slowly you’ll be able to look at their nose for longer and longer stretches of time.

Then you will start looking into their eyes and you’ll get used to that.

It Gets Easier, Trust Me

Yes, at first it will be hard. It will take a lot of effort in the beginning to look people in the eye. But slowly you will get better and you will freak out less the more you practice.

I used to play a game that was very useful. I tried to spot my reflection in their eyes. This made me seem very focused and attentive to the other person, and my conversations became much better. (Surprisingly! I thought this would weird people out to be honest before I tried it.)

Sooner than you can imagine, you won’t even have to think about holding eye contact anymore. Because it will be a new habit for you that you do automatically. And what used to feel uncomfortable will now feel natural.

For more ideas on how to maintain eye contact without being creepy, watch these 2 videos-

5 Eye Contact Tips | How To Communicate With Your Eyes

Video For Practicing Eye Contact – FOUR Difficulty Levels

To Make Anyone Like You, Do This

But What If It Doesn’t Get Easier?

If you continue to feel really nervous and awkward making eye contact even when you’ve tried practicing it, then the root of your problem may be deeper. Perhaps you have some beliefs of inferiority, low self-esteem or self-shame that cause you to avoid intimacy and hide from connections with other people.

If this sounds like you, then you will want to solve those other issues also. Solving your inner issues, combined with the practice I talked about in this article, will give you success. How do you solve them? Check out my website here, which will give you more helpful tips and pointers.

By Sean W Cooper, the author of The Shyness and Social Anxiety System, is an ex-sufferer from social anxiety and shyness. This program is a compilation of his research and effort in overcoming shyness and anxiety.

Sean W Cooper’s Shyness and Anxiety system is a step by step audio course broken down into modules that are easy to access. It teaches you ways to start overcoming your social anxiety and self-doubt. The system utilises cognitive behavioural therapy which explores how feelings and thoughts can drive behaviour. 

The Shyness and Social Anxiety system is endorsed by professionals and praised by psychologists due to the way it provides the relevant skills to manage issues of shyness and social anxiety.

To find out more, click on How to Maintain Eye Contact Without Being Creepy?