3 Quick Tips on How to Speak Up More in a Conversation

 

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Are You Talking Enough? Should You Speak Up More?

Here’s a question I recently received from a reader:

Once I’m with someone (even my friends) I always gets thoughts of “should we be talking more” and “am I talking enough” or “this is getting awkward”. How can I stop these thoughts from occurring?

This is a great question.

One of the biggest frustrations I used to have a couple years ago was being called quiet by people. It annoyed me so much whenever someone would say “Why are you so quiet?”

But the truth is, back then, I definitely didn’t talk enough.

I was too scared to speak up around people I didn’t know well … and often I just didn’t know what to say. My mind seemed to go blank.

So there’s really 2 different answers to your question:

1. You can stop viewing silences as being awkward,

OR

• You can learn to talk more if you TRULY are too quiet.

I’ll start with the first one…

First, Is The Silence Really Awkward or Is It In Your Head?

Whether a silence is awkward or not often depends on WHO it happens with.

Silences can happen with strangers (people you don’t know well) and they can happen with close friends/family that you do know well.

Let me explain the difference between these two situations…

Silences with Strangers

Have you ever had a situation where you were talking to someone you didn’t really know that well and suddenly you ran out of things to say?

Maybe you just didn’t have much in common with this person so your mind totally blanked out about what to talk about next.

A big silence in conversation with someone you don’t know that well is almost always super-awkward. Especially if they can tell you are struggling to think of something to say.

In this situation, the solution is learning how to speak up more and not run out of things to say. (I’ll show you how to do this in a bit.)

And it’s usually better to end a conversation with someone you just met early if you can see you two don’t “click” than it is to keep going until you create an awkward silence.

Now let me move on to…

Silences with Close Friends or Family

If you often have silences happen with close friends or family, then you should know this is completely normal.

As I talked about in this article, friends allow silences to happen.

It’s completely normal to have gaps in the conversation if you’re spending a few hours with someone.

There’s just no way that most people can constantly talk for that long without becoming tired. (Introverts especially need some break time in conversations.)

In fact, if you’re trying to be friends with someone and you DON’T relax and allow silences to happen occasionally when you two are hanging out… if you are always trying to fill the silence, then they will probably be turned off.

Sometimes a fear of silence in this situation is simply revealing something about you.

Maybe it’s revealing that you think you need to constantly perform and “appear interesting” for other people to still like you?

No, quit being a performer. By being comfortable in silences with people you know better, it communicates that you are not insecure.

But Maybe Your Life Is Just Boring?

Here’s another question I received from a reader that relates to this:

What should I talk about with a girlfriend I spend a lot of time with? We live together and spend lots of time together.

This also applies to family members or close friends. I might have this problem because of a routine and boring job process – I work in the office and with numbers, not people.

And he kind of answered his own question.

The reason why he doesn’t have much to talk about is because his daily life is simply boring. There’s not much variety or newness in it.

If you ever feel like you’re just living the same day over and over again, then it’s time to break the pattern.

The solution here is simple. Go out, make a goal to do at least one interesting thing a week at least.

Read a news website you find interesting and share what you read. Some people have boring lives but lots to talk about because they aren’t afraid to share their opinions about everything.

Get some kind of hobby or interest that includes interaction with people. That puts some variety in your life. And then share what happens.

Having a boring life is simply a decision you’ve made. Having a more interesting one is also a matter of making different life choices in how you spend your time.

Now that I’ve covered a few of the different situations and causes of silences, let me move into the second part of the article, which is…

Second, Learn to Talk More

If you’ve read this far and decided that in some situations you definitely DO need to talk more often (and the awkward silence is not just in your head), then here’s a few quick tips…

1. Learn Conversation Threading

Click here to watch my video teaching Conversation Threading. This is something I think all shy and socially anxious people should know. It’s a simple technique that can allow you to always know what to say next in conversations.

This technique is almost like “training wheels” for having conversations. If you’re struggling right now with

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, then you can start out by using this technique all the time.

As you get more social experience, you’ll probably find that you won’t be using Conversation Threading as often anymore, because your intuition and natural social ability will improve with practice. Eventually, you’ll just be talking to people based on what you feel like saying.

But until you get to that point, Conversation Threading is an invaluable tool to help you speak up more often in conversations and avoid getting a blank mind.

2. Voice Agreement and Make Small Comments

This first trick is something I figured out because I was constantly being called “quiet.”

I was always that guy who didn’t talk much. If there was a group conversation, I would be the one standing off to the side just listening to everyone else talk.

Often I even “zoned out” and just starting daydreaming, barely paying any attention to what everyone else was saying.

I realized after a while that if I wanted to stay involved in the conversation, then it was important that I make small comments often.

The easiest way to do this is simply to voice agreement.

Every so often, after someone said something, I would simply say “yeah” or “right” or “really?” or something else similar.

So, for example:

Joe: Have you guys heard of what happened to the Mayor of Toronto?

Me: No, what happened?

Joe: He was caught smoking drugs!

Bob: I can’t believe he got away with it for so long!

Me: Yeah I know!

Bill: Right now I wouldn’t be surprised by anything he did haha.

Making these types of small comments allowed me to STAY IN the conversation.

Whereas before I would become invisible because I stayed silent, now that I was speaking up everyone knew I was there.

And by saying small things, I “warmed up” and was able to also speak up and make real comments much more often as well.

3. Make It Personal

If you find that a lot of your conversations are flat, boring and empty … and you have a hard time making connections with people that stick…. then this tip will definitely help you.

Basically, the idea is to GO BEYOND the surface-level content of your conversations.

Instead focus on what the content says ABOUT you and the other person.

What do I mean? Well, here’s an example of a bad conversation:

Bob: Looks like it’s gonna be cold today.

You: How cold did they say?

Bob: -10 degrees and snowing later.

You: Oh, it didn’t feel that cold walking here.

Bob: The wind isn’t too bad today.

This conversation is boring because there’s no self-disclosure.

Both people are not sharing anything about themselves — their
inner thoughts, feelings and motivations about the subject.

Here’s a good example:

Bob: Looks like it’s gonna be cold today.

You: How cold did they say?

Bob: -10 degrees and snowing later.

You: Oh, well I think it’s good that we’re finally getting snow. It’s really starting to feel like Christmas is coming.

Bob: Yeah, I think I might take my kids sledding if it’s not too cold. Otherwise it’ll be a good weekend to catch up on my favorite TV show, Breaking Bad.

Notice how much different and more interesting this conversation has become?

The magic words that changed everything are “I think.” Go back and noticed how both people said “I think.”

Using the words “I think” or “I feel” before saying something is an easy way to make sure you are making it personal. (This is a trick called “I Statements” I learned from David Hamilton.)

Another way to make conversations personal is through asking “why?”

So, continuing the conversation from before…

Bob: …Otherwise it’ll be a good weekend to catch up on my favorite TV show, Breaking Bad.

Me: I’ve heard a lot about that show. Why do you like Breaking Bad?

Bob: The characters, story and acting is incredible. It just keeps you hooked. When me and my wife first found out about the show, we ended up watching it for about 3 hours a day. We became addicted.

By asking the question “Why?”, you can dig past the surface content and learn something real about the other person. This is the easiest, most natural way to form connections.

People feel connected to those who understand them, their values and motivations.

For more ideas on how to speak up more in a conversation, watch these 2 videos –

10 ways to have a better conversation | Celeste Headlee

Secret To Getting Better At Talking To People

Conclusion

So there you go.

I hope this post answered the question “Am I talking enough?”

First, I showed you how to diagnose if the silence really was awkward, then I showed you 3 quick tips to speak up more.

And if you want the learn more conversation tips targeted specifically to the issues shy and socially anxious people face, then make sure you check out my complete system. I’ve poured hundreds of hours, and years of my life into it, so take a look by clicking here.

By Sean W Cooper, the author of The Shyness and Social Anxiety System, is an ex-sufferer from social anxiety and shyness. This program is a compilation of his research and effort in overcoming shyness and anxiety.

Sean W Cooper’s Shyness and Social Anxiety system is a step by step audio course broken down into modules that are easy to access. It teaches you ways to start overcoming your social anxiety and self-doubt. The system utilises cognitive behavioural therapy which explores how feelings and thoughts can drive behaviour. 

The Shyness and Social Anxiety system is endorsed by professionals and praised by psychologists due to the way it provides the relevant skills to manage issues of shyness and social anxiety.

To find out more, click on How to Speak Up More in a Conversation  ?

How to Maintain Eye Contact Without Being Creepy?

 

CLICK HERE to Find Out How to Overcome Your Social Phobia

How to Make Eye Contact Without Feeling Awkward?

Do you ever have trouble looking people in the eyes? You’re talking to someone, and you don’t know where to look.

For some reason, you get nervous and feel weird or uncomfortable making eye contact with people, as if you’re looking into the other person’s soul, or they will see into your soul.

Maybe you get this sudden urge to turn away and look anywhere but at their eyes. Maybe you also worry that if the other person can see your eyes, they will find out how awkward you feel talking to them and realize you’re a loser.

Have you ever wondered why you feel this way? Why you have such a hard time holding eye contact?

In this post I’ll answer this question, and I’ll also give you some tips about exactly how often and how long you should look someone in the eyes for it to seem “normal.”

Why Is Looking Someone in The Eyes Important?

I’m sure you’ve heard that old saying, “It’s not what you say but how you say it that matters.”

Most of human communication is nonverbal. One study at UCLA found that up to 93 percent of communication effectiveness has nothing to do with words. What really matters is your body language, vocal tonality and yes, eye contact.

Of all of these, arguably the most important is eye contact. Why? Because we form connections with people through eye contact. In fact, psychologist Arthur Aaron believed you can make anyone fall in love with you by asking them 36 personal questions and then looking them deeply in the eyes for 4 minutes.

So if you want to have real friendships and intimacy and not just shallow small talk, then you will have to start looking people in the eyes. That’s just the way humans work.

Are you human? Then you need to make eye contact, probably lots more than you do now. However, you also don’t want to creep the other person out.

How Much Eye Contact Is Normal?

Eye contact is like salt on french fries. Everyone has a different amount they like to have and it depends on the situation.

Too little salt and the fries are plain and boring. There’s no flavour. Are your conversations just plain boring because of a lack of eye contact? If you don’t look people in the eyes, then there is no real engagement between you two. The other person will feel like you’re not paying attention or you’ll seem really insecure.

However, too much of a good thing is also bad.

Too much salt and nobody will want to eat the fries either. They will spit them out right away. If you give too much eye contact, people will think it’s creepy and won’t want to be around you after their first taste.

That’s why it’s important to look people in the eyes the right amount of time, not too little and not too much.

Back when I was extremely shy and bad at making eye contact, I really wished someone would just tell me EXACTLY how long to look someone in the eyes.

So here are some quick and fast rules:

• When talking, make eye contact 1/3 of the time.

• When listening, make eye contact 2/3 of the time.

• For everyday conversation, make eye contact in spurts of 3-4 seconds.

(Side note: I’ve noticed that girls talking to their girlfriends usually make a lot more eye contact than guys talking to their guy friends. If you’re ever unsure about what the “right” amount of eye contact is, then observe how much eye contact the other person is giving you and match that.)

Romantic Situations

There are some situations where it’s okay to make a lot more eye contact than normal. These are situations where you are talking to someone you like, someone you’re attracted to, someone you’re flirting with.

In these situations, the more eye contact, the better. Of course, you shouldn’t be staring at them like a robot 100% of the time, but it’s perfectly okay to hold eye contact for 10-15 seconds or longer on a date. Holding eye contact for a long time like this creates a good type of tension that the other person will often feel as “butterflies” or a “romantic spark.”

Please use some common sense here though. Staring down a stranger on the bus is usually bad and creepy, whether you’re a man or a woman. But making really strong eye contact while you’re having a flirty conversation or on a date is usually really good. It depends on the situation.

How Do You Overcome the Fear and Discomfort?

You know that feeling of nervousness, discomfort, awkwardness or even fear that comes up when you look someone in the eyes? How do you get rid of that?

You’re not gonna like the answer.

…

The answer is practice.

The scientific word for this is progressive desensitization. What does that mean?

Imagine a large staircase. You are at the bottom, and everyone who has no problem making eye contact is at the top. You want to get to the top. How do you get there?

Do you:

1. Jump straight up from the bottom of the staircase to the top?

• Take the steps up, one at a time?

The logical solution is to take the steps up one at a time. And this is how you’ll train yourself to be more relaxed while making more eye contact with people.

At first you might not even be able to look at someone’s eyes for 1 second. That’s okay. Look in between their eyes at their nose instead. If they aren’t too close, they won’t be able to tell the difference.

Make a conscious effort to do this, every time you talk to someone, and slowly you’ll be able to look at their nose for longer and longer stretches of time.

Then you will start looking into their eyes and you’ll get used to that.

It Gets Easier, Trust Me

Yes, at first it will be hard. It will take a lot of effort in the beginning to look people in the eye. But slowly you will get better and you will freak out less the more you practice.

I used to play a game that was very useful. I tried to spot my reflection in their eyes. This made me seem very focused and attentive to the other person, and my conversations became much better. (Surprisingly! I thought this would weird people out to be honest before I tried it.)

Sooner than you can imagine, you won’t even have to think about holding eye contact anymore. Because it will be a new habit for you that you do automatically. And what used to feel uncomfortable will now feel natural.

For more ideas on how to maintain eye contact without being creepy, watch these 2 videos-

5 Eye Contact Tips | How To Communicate With Your Eyes

Video For Practicing Eye Contact – FOUR Difficulty Levels

To Make Anyone Like You, Do This

But What If It Doesn’t Get Easier?

If you continue to feel really nervous and awkward making eye contact even when you’ve tried practicing it, then the root of your problem may be deeper. Perhaps you have some beliefs of inferiority, low self-esteem or self-shame that cause you to avoid intimacy and hide from connections with other people.

If this sounds like you, then you will want to solve those other issues also. Solving your inner issues, combined with the practice I talked about in this article, will give you success. How do you solve them? Check out my website here, which will give you more helpful tips and pointers.

By Sean W Cooper, the author of The Shyness and Social Anxiety System, is an ex-sufferer from social anxiety and shyness. This program is a compilation of his research and effort in overcoming shyness and anxiety.

Sean W Cooper’s Shyness and Anxiety system is a step by step audio course broken down into modules that are easy to access. It teaches you ways to start overcoming your social anxiety and self-doubt. The system utilises cognitive behavioural therapy which explores how feelings and thoughts can drive behaviour. 

The Shyness and Social Anxiety system is endorsed by professionals and praised by psychologists due to the way it provides the relevant skills to manage issues of shyness and social anxiety.

To find out more, click on How to Maintain Eye Contact Without Being Creepy?

3 Quick Tips to Avoid Creating Awkward Silences in Conversations

 

CLICK HERE to Find Out How to Overcome Your Social Phobia

3 Tips to Avoid Awkward Silences in Conversation

In this post I’m going to show you how to avoid creating awkward silences in conversations.

If you’re anything like I used to be, then you know how uncomfortable they are. It sucks to be talking to someone and suddenly your mind goes blank and you can’t think of what to say.

You may be screaming inside to yourself: “Just say anything!” but it doesn’t work.

It’s like your mind has shut down. Gone for a vacation. Abandoned you.

And left you by yourself to deal with the silence and the awkwardness. That weird feeling when you and the other person are both trying to avoid eye contact while wondering what will save you both from this awful situation.

I remember one time when I went to a school party on the first week of initiation at the University of Ottawa. It was in a big room where everyone could see everyone else. There were some chips and drinks off on a table to the side, and maybe 40-50 people talking loudly in groups throughout the room.

Standing beside the food table by myself, I felt very isolated looking at everyone socializing. I tried to make eye contact with this guy I had met before, but he didn’t see me. I didn’t think I could make myself simply walk up and meet someone new. I had never done it before. What would I even say?

Maybe I could just slip outside and nobody would notice…

Suddenly one of the group leaders for the initiation week saw me standing by myself.

He was a tall, cheerful guy with a shaved head. He acted a bit like a frat boy, but I think it was his job to talk to everyone. His name tag read “Jon.”

He walked over to me and said, “Hey, how’s it going?”

Caught off guard by his sudden approach, I just replied, “Good.”

I must have looked like a deer caught in headlights.

“Are you having fun?” he asked.

“Yes,” I lied.

“Why don’t you socialize and talk with some people?”

His well-meaning question made me feel put on the spot. I didn’t know how to reply.

“Umm…”

I tried desperately to think of something more to say.

“…”

There it was. The dreaded awkward silence. Why did it always seem to always happen whenever someone tried to talk to me?

Jon felt the awkwardness, too. I could see him waiting for me to say something more, but my brain seemed to have become disconnected from my mouth.

“Well, see you around,” he said finally, and I watched him walk away quickly.

I didn’t make this story up. It’s just one of hundreds of uncomfortable situations I could share with you from back in the days when I had virtually no social skills.

The good news is, there are some simple tips you can use today to avoid awkward silences. These are tips which I know work because I have used them myself. And I’ll share them with you now.

1. Learn How to Hold a Conversation

This first tip is pretty straightforward.

If you often can’t think of what to say, then you need to learn the technique called conversation threading.

It will teach you a 3 step formula for always knowing what to say next. This one technique changed my life when I first started using it, and it’s changed the lives of hundreds of my students when I first decided to teach it.

If you’ve ever had trouble keeping a conversation going with someone, then click here to learn conversation threading. Practice it and within a few weeks you’ll find your ability to make conversation has gone up dramatically. Just this one technique could have saved me in the story I just told you before.

2. Change How You Act After the Silence

I used to view every silence that happened in a conversation as being my fault. I thought I caused the silence by not knowing what to say.

I would immediately stress myself out thinking I needed to fill it somehow. The silence made me uncomfortable, and since I became uncomfortable, the other person would also become uncomfortable.

Here’s a crazy thing I’ve realized.

The majority of the time it was my discomfort after the silence that created the awkwardness. Not the silence itself. So the big key is to see silences as no big deal.

Keep in mind this post is not about how to avoid silences, but how to avoid awkward silences. This simple shift in your mindset will take away most of the awkwardness.

Now what I’ve learned to do is RELAX when a silence comes up. I stay comfortable in it. And whenever one of us thinks of something new to say, the conversation goes on as normal. The silence is not payed any attention, almost like it didn’t even exist.

Pauses in conversations are normal and to be expected. If you continue on like nothing happened, then there is usually no awkwardness. (Unless you are talking to another person with social anxiety who has the same issues you do lol.)

So now you may be asking…

How do you stay relaxed? There’s plenty of techniques I could teach you. I share two of my relaxation techniques in this post: muscle relaxation and deep breathing.

One last point…

Situational comments are an easy, natural way to “re-start” conversations. Try to keep your attention focused on the external world. It’s much easier to have something to say when you are focused on what is happening around you then when you are trying to force your brain to create something new to say out of thin air.

3. Friends Allow Silences to Happen

This is related to the last point, but this time I want to talk specifically about how silence can actually deepen and strengthen a friendship or relationship.

Think about someone you are close to. It could be your mom, dad, brother, sister, or a best friend you’ve known for years. Think back to the last time you did something with them. It could be an activity or just hanging out together. Now, answer this question:

Did you talk all the time?

Probably not. Talking nonstop with someone is simply not sustainable in a longer relationship. And the people that do talk all the time are often seen as being “hyper” or “unable to chill.” (My age is really showing with the slang here.)

Walk around any store and pay attention to the couples, families, and other groups of people walking around. You’ll see that this is true. Comfortable silences are almost as important as the actual conversation.

Often people who are uncomfortable with silences feel like they need to keep talking as a way to convince or entertain other people into liking them. Most people can see right through this and know it comes from insecurity.

You need to realize the primary reason people spend time with each other simply for the companionship, to not be alone. So don’t think you have to be super interesting all the time.

The reason why I mentioned this point is because it is a big mistake I see a lot of shy and socially anxious people making. They don’t feel comfortable with silences, so they actually create awkwardness by trying too hard to make people like them. This alienates a lot of people who could potentially become close friends with you.

Conclusion

So there you have it. 3 quick tips to avoid creating awkward silences in conversations. Here’s a quick summary:

Learn to keep conversations going with the conversation threading technique.

Change how you act after the silence. If you can relax and remain comfortable, then the awkwardness usually doesn’t come up. (Unless the other person has social anxiety.)

Allow silences to happen. They’re a part of every longer-term friendship or relationship. Don’t think you have to entertain or impress other people, be secure that they will like you even if you aren’t “on” all the time.

Watch these 2 videos –

Tips to Avoid Creating Awkward Silences

How to Hold An Interesting Conversation | Avoid Awkward Silences!

These are tips you can take with you today and begin using immediately. And if you’d like to learn more tips just like these, then be sure to check out my system for overcoming shyness or social anxiety found here.

By following my proven system, you’ll be able to talk to almost anyone about anything and have it be interesting. You’ll learn how to come across as warm and charismatic so people are drawn to you. And you’ll learn many more quick tricks for being more outgoing, making friends, and overcoming nervousness in social situations. I tell you exactly what to do and how and when to do it.

Click here to learn more now…

By Sean W Cooper, the author of The Shyness and Social Anxiety System, is an ex-sufferer from social anxiety and shyness. This program is a compilation of his research and effort in overcoming shyness and anxiety.

Sean W Cooper’s Shyness and Anxiety system is a step by step audio course broken down into modules that are easy to access. It teaches you ways to start overcoming your social anxiety and self-doubt. The system utilises cognitive behavioural therapy which explores how feelings and thoughts can drive behaviour. 

The Shyness and Social Anxiety system is endorsed by professionals and praised by psychologists due to the way it provides the relevant skills to manage issues of shyness and social anxiety.

To find out more, click on Tips to Avoid Creating Awkward Silences