How to Let Go of the Past and Move Forward?

 

CLICK HERE to Find Out How to Overcome Your Social Phobia

How to Stop Thinking About Past Mistakes & Awkward Moments?

In this post I’m going to show you how to STOP these negative memories from dominating your head. How to ESCAPE from the torture of your mind replaying the same thing again and again. How to DROP the mental baggage?

The first step is to understand the problem…

1. Understand WHY You Keep Replaying These Moments in Your Head

Most of us believe that WE are the ones in control of our minds. You believe that you control what you think about and how you feel. That’s not really true.

Here’s an insight that will blow you away if you really understand it:

Your mind is NOT a modern invention.

Your mind has been designed over millions of years of evolution to help you do 2 primary things: survive and reproduce. Your mind exists to improve your chances of either surviving or having babies so you can pass on your genes to future generations.

Here’s why this is important…

Many negative emotions like fear, anxiety, anger and jealousy come from these 2 big unconscious drives: Survival and reproduction.

• When you feel afraid when a big dog suddenly barks at you, that fear is meant to help you fight the predator or run away to safety. Survival.

• When you feel jealous about your romantic partner spending lots of time with someone else, that jealousy is meant to help you improve your chances of reproducing.

• When you feel anxious about walking down a dark empty street alone, that anxiety is meant to help you remain alert for any strange dangers in a new environment.

Now, it’s easy to see how an emotion like fear is related to survival. It’s a little harder to understand why your mind’s habit of replaying embarrassing or awkward moments is related to survival. But it is.

The key here is SOCIAL REPUTATION.

Back when humans lived in tribes on the African savannah, the most effective strategy for survival was to avoid getting kicked out of the tribe. One caveman would not survive on his own in that harsh wilderness. This meant keeping a good social reputation. (Nowadays the tribe just means all the people you know: family, friends, co-workers, classmates, etc.)

And the most effective strategy for mating was to have a high social status in the tribe. This allowed a caveman to attract the best mates… and still works the same way today! (Have you ever noticed, for example, how the most popular guys back in your high school usually had the easiest time getting girlfriends? And how rock stars and celebrities are always considered the sexiest people? That is social status at work.)

And that’s why your mind has been designed to be obsessed with your social reputation. So when you say or do something that DAMAGES your reputation or status, your mind goes nuts.

• When you say something that accidentally offends someone, especially someone important…

• When you create an awkward moment that “ruins your chance” with the girl or guy you like…

• When you feel very uncomfortable about sitting alone while you eat, scared about who might see you alone and judge you…

In all these situations, your mind believes you have damaged your social reputation or social status somehow. So it remembers the situation over and over again because it does not want you to repeat the same mistake again. It wants you to become better at preserving and enhancing your social status.

(The irony of this is that the MORE you obsess over your past mistakes, the LESS confident and LESS socially skilled you will be in future social situations. It erodes your self-esteem and belief in your own abilities.)

Key Takeaway:

Your mind keeps you thinking about your past social mistakes and awkward moments because it wants you to learn how to avoid making the same mistakes in the future. It wants you to avoid lowering or damaging your social status, because a good social reputation means better chances of survival or mating.

Makes sense?

Now that you understand the true cause of your problem better… how can you fix it?

Many people try to force themselves to suppress or “push down” the memory. This approach doesn’t work for 99% of people. I tried that myself for years, but still my mind kept returning to those embarrassing memories. So clearly that doesn’t work.

Here is what DOES work:

2. Escape Your Thinking Mind Altogether

A few weeks ago I was listening to an interview of a great writer I admire.

Someone asked him: “How can I get over a romantic breakup? I keep obsessing over my ex-girlfriend.” And the writer’s advice was profound. He said:

“The best thing I know of is get out of your house and exercise. Go for a run or go to the gym. You need to get out of your mind and into your body.”

The last part is most important:

Get out of your mind and into your body. This is amazing advice right here.

I believe that exercise is a good TEMPORARY way to “get out of your mind.” It quickly puts you in touch with your physical body. When you are running or lifting weights with a lot of focus and intensity, it does take you out of your mind. Out of all your mental problems, worries and stresses. That’s a big reason why some people love fitness or sports so much.

The only problem is that you can’t exercise all the time. So a better solution is to use techniques you can do anywhere and anytime that will get you “out of your head.” The good news is that we don’t have to invent anything new because…

This is already the basis for many therapy and meditation techniques.

For example…

1. Gestalt Therapy

This is a very unique form of therapy. Here’s why:

“Most therapies encourage intellectualizing: talking about the irrationality of patient beliefs, talking about the behavior changes the therapist believes that the patient should make, and so forth.

More than any other therapy, Gestalt therapy emphasizes that whatever exists is here and now, and that experience is more reliable than interpretation. The patient is taught the difference between talking about what occurred five minutes ago (or last night or 20 years ago) and experiencing what is now.”

– Gary Yontef, Ph.D.

Gestalt therapy is all about giving LESS attention to your symbolic thinking: your mental interpretations and your explanations for the past… and MORE attention to what is being felt or perceived right now.

The focus is on what is being done, thought and felt at this moment rather than on what was, might be, could be, or should be.

Watch this video – Role Play : Gesalt Therapy

Another example…

2. Vipassana Meditation

About one year ago, I went to a 10-day silent meditation retreat which taught me the technique of Vipassana meditation. For 10 days, I couldn’t talk to anybody or even look at anybody in the eyes. No communication allowed. No cell phones or computers allowed. No books allowed. Just hours and hours of meditation practice every day. Day after day. From 6AM until night, with breaks for eating light vegetarian food.

So I do have a little experience with this…

Watch these 2 videos –

Mindfulness, Step by Step: An Introduction to Vipassana Meditation by Achan Sobin Namto

Vipassana Meditation and Body Sensation: Eilona Ariel at TEDxJaffa 2013

Vipassana meditation has nothing to do with belief in the Buddha or some god. It is just a technique to observe yourself.

On that 10-day retreat, I started out observing my breath. Watching it going in, going out. Hour after hour. Then we were taught to scan our bodies from head to toe. This means literally “scanning” your attention throughout your body, and noticing what sensations you feel everywhere.

Very simple techniques.

But very effective at getting you in touch with your living and breathing body/organism… instead of living in the abstract world of your mind which includes your social reputation/identity.

(I hope what I’m saying is clear to you, but you really have to actually DO the technique yourself to truly understand why it is so powerful and why it has survived thousands of years.)

Both Gestalt Therapy and Vipassana Meditation are two different methods of…

3. Getting into The Present Moment

The best thing you can do to stop obsessing about past mistakes or embarrassing moments is redirect your focus/attention. Where and how do you redirect it?

You take a moment to notice something happening in the physical world right here and now.

For example, right now feel your fingers on your keyboard. Pay attention to that sensation at your fingertips for a few seconds.

Or you can pay attention to your breath going in and out. You don’t need to suddenly breathe differently, just become aware right now to how you breathe normally.

Or if you’re walking somewhere, pay attention to your movements. Can you make every movement of your arms or legs conscious instead of automatic?

Or redirect your focus to the sensations on the bottom of your feet. What can you feel? (This is a good one you can use in any social situation. You can even do this while talking to people.)

By redirecting your focus in any of these simple ways, you become more in touch with your physical existence. You become aware of what you are sensing and feeling right now. Redirecting your focus to physical sensations and feelings brings you into the present moment, instead of uncontrollably remembering the past.

The past is the past. You cannot change something that’s already happened. You can only control your state of mind right now. And instead of being constantly terrorized by memories that make you feel bad or ashamed of yourself right now… you can redirect your focus into the physical world and reality.

Think about it: Will your awkward mistake matter 5 years from today? Then why should it now?

This is just a VERY quick overview of these types of techniques. I highly encourage you to check out the book “The Power of Now” (which you can get on Amazon) if you want to learn how to really make these techniques a part of your daily life. 

By Sean W Cooper, the author of The Shyness and Social Anxiety System, is an ex-sufferer from social anxiety and shyness. This program is a compilation of his research and effort in overcoming shyness and anxiety.

Sean W Cooper’s Shyness and Anxiety system is a step by step audio course broken down into modules that are easy to access. It teaches you ways to start overcoming your social anxiety and self-doubt. The system utilises cognitive behavioural therapy which explores how feelings and thoughts can drive behaviour. 

The Shyness and Social Anxiety system is endorsed by professionals and praised by psychologists due to the way it provides the relevant skills to manage issues of shyness and social anxiety.

To find out more, click on Overcome Social Anxiety – How to How to Let Go of the Past and Move Forward?

Overcome Phone Anxiety – Are You Afraid of Talking On the Phone?

 

CLICK HERE to Find Out How to Overcome Your Social Phobia

Can you remember the last time you were sick? Maybe you had the flu, a fever or a cough. And can you remember how being sick made every part of your life just a little more difficult?

Talking to people was more difficult. Focusing was more difficult. Even going to sleep probably felt a lot more difficult.

Well, that’s very similar to the experience of having social anxiety. It’s like walking around sick, being unable to do things “normal” people can do easily and naturally.

For example, how about the fear of talking on the phone? Back when I had really bad social anxiety, picking up the phone would make me absolutely terrified.

If I had to make a phone call, then I would procrastinate it until the very last minute.

In my head, I would repeat and rehearse what I was going to say.

My heart would start beating faster and faster as I imagined dialing the number.

I would sweat nervously… Think about that! Sweating nervously…in my own house…just thinking of making a phone call!

What a way to live.

And when I finally forced myself to make the call (basically when I had no other choice), then I would inevitably sound incredibly awkward talking on the phone.

My words wouldn’t come out of my mouth clearly. My voice was so much different in a bad way. And I sounded nervous as hell.

By the end, I was relieved to get it over with and hang up.

Hanging up. That’s the only good part, isn’t it?

You get to end your misery with a click and finally stop the torture. And you’re sure the other person is relieved they can also stop talking to this awkward, nervous weirdo too.

Social Anxiety: A Fading Nightmare

To be honest, it’s a little hard for me to remember that experience.

It’s a little hard for me to remember that hearing the phone ring used to cause instant anxiety for me, like hearing a fire alarm go off inside your pocket. I would freeze, look at my phone in terror, and be unsure what to do about it.

But it’s been a few years now since I basically cured my social anxiety. And those memories of how difficult normal things used to be really are starting to fade.

Now I pick up the phone like it’s nothing. Whether I’m calling a friend, a co-worker or a company to resolve some problem…I just do it. And it’s almost unusual to think this could have ever been so difficult for me.

So I’ve been thinking lately:

WHY Do Socially Anxious People Have a Fear Of Talking On The Phone?

Why does this simple task cause you so much stress, misery and suffering?

Why does it even often feel much harder than talking to the same person in real life?

Well, here’s my best answer:

Talking on the phone makes you hyper-aware of every little part of what you say and how you say it (your voice).

When you are talking on the phone, there is no place for you to focus on except for… yourself. Your attention is tightly focused on yourself…and you know the other person is also closely listening to what you’re saying.

Think of self-consciousness like a mirror. And when you are talking to someone on the phone, there’s nowhere to look but right into that mirror. So you become very very aware of every little part of your behavior, and what the other person might think about it.

This increased self-consciousness multiplies the self-critical voice inside your head that points out how nervous you sound, how you shouldn’t have said that, how you’re making a bad impression, and so on.

So a fear of talking on the phone is really a fear of the increased scrutiny (critical observation) you will face. Not just from the other person, but also from yourself.

That’s why it feels so uncomfortable and difficult for someone like you who has social anxiety or more severe shyness.

The Fix? Overcome The Deeper Issues

There are some articles online that talk about “tips for talking on the phone.” These tips are usually pretty basic, superficial, and unhelpful to someone who has social anxiety. They’ll tell you to do things like “fake it ’til you make it” without addressing your deeper issues.

The real fix is to overcome your social anxiety itself. And you can’t do this through facing your fears using exposure alone. You need to unwire the anxiety and fear response in your brain…and then you will be able to talk on the phone easily.

For more tips on overcome phone anxiety, watch this video – Overcoming Sales Anxiety with psychologist Jill Stoddard

By Sean W Cooper, the author of The Shyness and Social AnxietySystem, is an ex-sufferer from social anxiety and shyness. This program is a compilation of his research and effort in overcoming shyness and anxiety.

Sean W Cooper’s Shyness and Anxiety system is a step by step audio course broken down into modules that are easy to access. It teaches you ways to start overcoming your social anxiety and self-doubt. The system utilises cognitive behavioural therapy which explores how feelings and thoughts can drive behaviour. 

The Shyness and Social Anxiety system is endorsed by professionals and praised by psychologists due to the way it provides the relevant skills to manage issues of shyness and social anxiety.

To find out more, click on Overcome Phone Anxiety – How to be More Confident When Talking on the Phone

How to Stop Being Socially Awkward and Weird?

 

CLICK HERE to Find Out How to Overcome Your Social Phobia

6 Ways to Stop Being Socially Awkward & Weird

Most people can’t define what makes someone socially awkward, weird or socially inept. But they can usually recognize it instantly. In other words, you know one when you see one.

However, what can be harder is analyzing yourself to figure out: “Am I socially awkward?”

That’s why I’ve written this article showing you 10 sure signs to watch out for. Then at the end you’ll learn what advice truly works (and what doesn’t) to overcome this problem.

By the way, even if you score a perfect 10/10, please don’t dig a hole in the ground to live in yet! You are not alone and there is plenty of hope for you!

The reason why I know all these signs so well is because I used to be the most socially awkward guy in the world. Now not only are my own social skills above average (heck, I have my own Youtube channel), but I’ve also helped thousands of people over the internet, and I can help you too.

10 Signs to Know If You Are Socially Awkward

1. Feeling nervous, uncomfortable or weird in social situations. How you feel on the inside usually comes out on the outside. They say the feeling of enthusiasm is contagious, well so is the feeling of awkwardness.

• Trying hard to avoid breaking all the social rules. Oh, and you don’t really know what most of them are, so you’d better be extra careful. Was there a class in school called Social Skills 101 that you missed out on?

• Feeling self-conscious of every little thing you do. This goes together with the whole idea of not wanting to break any social rules. Will people see you standing there alone? Did you dress too fancy for this party? Too casual?

• Not knowing the ‘right’ thing to say. Funny how you’re never at a loss for words when you talk to your closest friend. You only run out of things to say in uncomfortable situations like meeting new people or talking to someone you like.

• Being hesitant and timid. You hold yourself back from saying the comment that popped into your mind, or going to talk to that person. You wonder if it’s the right moment. Then you’ve waited too long and it’s too late. The conversation has moved on, or the person went to the bathroom.

• Bad conversational flow. When you do talk, your thoughts stumble out of your mouth sounding confused and disorganized.

• Saying or doing the wrong thing at the wrong time. Also known as putting your foot in your mouth, which Urban Dictionary defines as: “When one accidentally says something offensive or stupid.”

• When you say things people often ignore your comment or look at you funny. Worse, they roll their eyes at each other. When you’re socially awkward people may start treating you like a child, and not taking you seriously. They may even avoid you altogether and run off to talk to the confident popular people.

• You just know you’re doing something wrong to turn people off in social situations. The problem is you don’t know exactly what it is, or how to fix it! And last, but not least…

1. Constantly replaying that embarrassing moment or awkward silence in your head. As if burning the mistake into your memory is going to stop it from happening in the future.

Well that about sums it up. The more of these traits you have, the more socially awkward you are. 

What Advice DOESN’T Work for Social Awkwardness?

Before I get to my tips, first I need to quickly point out some very common advice you’ll read in articles online that basically never works. Usually this is advice written by people who have never actually struggled with poor conversation skills, low social confidence or a lack of friends. They’re just writing an article to make a few bucks on the side, without actually knowing what they’re talking about.

1. “Everybody Feels Awkward Sometimes!”

Similar to telling an obese person that “everyone overeats sometimes, even supermodels”… this doesn’t actually solve the problem of being awkward.

People who are only a bit awkward sometimes would NOT be reading an article like this one about it anyway. It’s people who are often very awkward and find it painful that seek out advice.

2. “People Aren’t Looking at You Anyways Silly!”

This advice really grinds my gears. The problem is that it sounds like it should help a socially awkward person, but in reality it doesn’t. Yes, it’s true that believing that other people are watching and judging you is part of your problem. But that doesn’t mean directly telling you to “just stop it” is gonna fix it.

It’s like telling a fat person to “just put down the fork dummy.” Without giving them any advice about overcoming an emotional addiction to eating, changing old habits or good nutrition.

So What Advice Does Work?

Okay, so now let’s get to the tips that can actually help you become less socially awkward.

1. “Tune” Your Social Skills

Have you ever heard someone play a guitar that was out of tune? It ain’t fun to listen to. An out-of-tune guitar can grate like nails on a chalkboard, so it’s important to adjust the strings regularly.

If a guitar isn’t tuned properly, then the guitar player can try all he wants to hit the right strings, but what actually comes out will always sound strange and weird.

This applies to your social skills as well.

Does it ever feel like you are trying hard to say the right thing but what you are saying is “off”? Maybe you tell a joke and nobody finds it funny. Or you make a comment that just doesn’t fit into the conversation so people ignore it.

The solution is to tune your social skills. Unfortunately, there is no shortcut here. You do this by simply talking to people more often. The best way to stop being weird is to push through the weirdness until you aren’t weird any more. (Try saying that ten times fast.)

I know this first tip is a bit obvious but so many people forget this foundation while they are looking for a “magic shortcut” to social skills.

The people who are the least “weird” and socially awkward are simply the ones who spend the most time talking to people. Think of the coolest, most outgoing person you’ve ever seen. Chances are, they spend hours a day talking to people.

When you spend a lot of time talking to people, you start to develop a feeling or intuition of what you should say next. You don’t even have to think about it, because you’ve done it for so long. The words just pop out of your mouth.

It’s like your first time playing a new video game or learning how to type. At first you felt awkward and slow doing it, but over time you become able to play automatically. It’s like your fingers move themselves. Muscle memory. This is how really social people talk. Their mouths move themselves based on the feelings they have in their body. That’s why they don’t have to think ahead to what they are going to say next in casual conversations, they just talk spontaneously.

Make sure you get out of the house regularly. Even a ‘normal’ person would probably feel a bit awkward stepping into a social situation if they’ve spent all day on the computer. If you are an introvert then you’ll need to make even more effort to be outgoing since you’re naturally comfortable being alone a lot.

You can also ‘tune’ your mind quickly by ‘warming up’ before challenging social situations. What do I mean? If you have to go to a party, date or interview later today, then do something simple beforehand like asking a couple strangers for directions to get your mind into more of a social flow.

And the second step to stop coming across as weird is to…

2. Treat People As Mirrors (aka Improve Your Own Self Esteem & Confidence)

The more I’ve overcome my own social anxiety, the more I’ve come to realize that people are basically mirrors. They are reflections of you. Let me explain…

Back when I always felt really anxious and tense around people, I found that they always became more cautious and defensive around me. This caused me to tense up even more because I felt rejected. It was a vicious cycle that made it difficult to get any close friends.

On the other hand, when I started to become more relaxed and comfortable around people internally, they opened up as well.

People are mirrors. However, you feel inside will be reflected back to you in how other people treat you.

This is why it’s so important to learn practical techniques (such as being very relaxed and deep breathing through your belly) for lowering your social anxiety when around people. 

If you’re feeling anxious, nervous, tense, insecure, depressed and sad inside while you’re talking to someone, they will feel it. They will actually feel your insecurity coming off of you and become repelled by it.

In fact, science has proved that people actually have “mirror neurons” in their brains that help them connect and relate to other people. This means that when you talk to someone, they will start to feel how you feel.

And if you feel negative and insecure about yourself, the other person will often feel like running away without them even knowing why. (Probably why people never ever came up to me in school to start conversations.)

You can’t feel bad inside and hope to “cover it up” somehow. You actually have to feel relaxed and at ease on the inside if you want to give off a good vibe. If you try to act happy and confident on the outside when you feel shitty, then people will sense that you’re putting on a false front, and this will make them think you’re weird.

3. Radiate Warmth and Positive Emotions

So if people are a mirror to you, then how can you change yourself? How can you change the emotions you feel inside so that other people aren’t automatically turned off? How can you actually stop feeling weird, uncomfortable, insecure, etc?

Well, I’m not a fan of so-called positive thinking and science has proven that affirmations are mostly bullshit.  However, there are some proven ways you can improve your overall mood even if you do often feel bad about yourself now.

I’ve recorded a video that goes into the detailed steps here:

To Make Anyone Like You, Do This

4. It’s Not What You Did That Matters, It’s How You Dealt with It

Everybody has awkward moments where they think:

“Did I really just say that?”

“Shit, nobody laughed at my joke.”

“Oh god I don’t know what to say next. I need to fill this silence somehow!”

The difference between socially awkward and socially confident people is NOT an absence of awkward moments. It’s just that the confident people do not call attention to the socially awkward moment either externally or internally, which allows it to pass and be forgotten quickly.

This means you need to stop the habit of dwelling on an awkward thing you may have said. Whether it happened 10 seconds, 10 days, 10 months or 10 years ago… the past is the past. There’s no way to change it. Life flows on.

The fact is, other people actually aren’t sitting around right now steaming about that time you accidentally insulted their country or their mother… well probably not.

5. Learn to Apologize and Empathize When You Make a Social Mistake

Socially awkward people are very careful to not violate any invisible social rules. We don’t really know what these rules are, but I think we believe that once we break a rule or say the wrong thing, we’re screwed. People won’t ever like us. Future job interviewers will laugh in our faces. We’ll all die virgins. And so on.

Nothing could be further from the truth.

Paradoxically, being overly hesitant, timid and careful not to offend people is what makes you awkward and turns people off. So here’s how to fix this problem…

What do people do when they make a social mistake? They apologize and empathize. If you say something weird or offensive to someone you are not yet doomed. Just say “Oh sorry, that didn’t come out the way I intended!” and then change the subject to something else.

With experience you’ll learn that you can handle making the occasional mistake or faux pas. Which will give you more confidence. You’ll feel less scared about embarrassing yourself by saying something too boring, dumb or offensive.

Which will make you speak up more easily and more often. This doesn’t happen overnight — it’s a learning process.

6. Allow Yourself to Be Imperfect

If you are a guy that feels too scared of rejection to strike up a few conversations with cute girls walking down the street, in a bar or wherever, then here’s an interesting exercise I recommend:

Instead of trying to “do well”… see how badly you can mess up. See how socially awkward of a situation you can get into. Give yourself the challenge to embarrass yourself as spectacularly as possible.

I’ve done this exercise myself countless times, and so have many of my students. You know what happens? When someone no longer feels the pressure to “perform well” and is given permission to be awkward and embarrassed and then laugh about it… they actually do much better.

I’ve seen guys who used to be frozen in place at even the thought of talking to a cute girl, now walk over to her easily. Guys who could only say “Hi” to a girl in a shy and timid way now approach them with more boldness and confidence. Because they’re okay with looking bad. They don’t have to be so careful anymore.

Funny how that works, huh?

Watch this video – To Make Anyone Like You, Do This

Conclusion

If you follow these 6 steps, you will be well on your way to becoming a LOT less socially awkward. It’s not an overnight transformation, but trust me… it’s worth it.

You’ll be able to keep conversations going better, you’ll feel less scared before going into big groups of people, and best of all you’ll feel free to be YOU when you talk with people.

Leading to more connections. More friendships. More self-esteem.

You’re not alone in this.

I know you can do it.

P.S. If you want to read something funny, check this out: Anxiety Ridden Man Rightly Ashamed of Every Single Thing He Does

By Sean W Cooper, the author of The Shyness and Social Anxiety System, is an ex-sufferer from social anxiety and shyness. This program is a compilation of his research and effort in overcoming shyness and anxiety.

Sean W Cooper’s Shyness and Anxiety system is a step by step audio course broken down into modules that are easy to access. It teaches you ways to start overcoming your social anxiety and self-doubt. The system utilises cognitive behavioural therapy which explores how feelings and thoughts can drive behaviour. 

The Shyness and Social Anxiety system is endorsed by professionals and praised by psychologists due to the way it provides the relevant skills to manage issues of shyness and social anxiety.

To find out more, click on Get Over Shyness – How to be More Confident When Meeting Strangers

How to Get Over Shyness – The One Mistake Most Shy People Make

 

CLICK HERE to Find Out How to Overcome Your Social Phobia

Do you really want to know how to get rid of shyness? Are you prepared to forget everything you thought you knew about being less shy and replace it with the truth? Then read on.

The one biggest mistake I see shy people making is being controlled by their emotions. Nearly all shy people make this basic mistake.

If you avoid people who make you feel shy, then you are being controlled by your emotions.

If you avoid public speaking because it makes you feel anxious, you are being controlled by your emotions.

If you don’t do something just because it makes you feel nervous or afraid, then you are being controlled by your emotions.

I hate to repeat myself, but this is an absolutely essential point. In order to get over your shyness, you have to become less controlled by your emotions. This doesn’t mean to suppress your emotions, it simply means to act in spite of them. Mark Twain was the one who said “Courage is not the absence of fear. It is acting in spite of it.”

That is the ability you need to build if you want to overcome your shyness. You have to have the ability to act in spite of feeling a certain emotion. This means that if you feel afraid to do something, you do it anyway. Act in spite of fear.

• If you raise your hand in class even though it makes you nervous, you are acting in spite of fear.

• If you talk to people even though they make you feel shy, then you’re no longer being controlled by your emotions.

• If you talk to groups and make public presentations, then you are the one in charge now, not your fear.

Once you start acting in spite of fear, you will become more relaxed and easygoing in situations which used to make you nervous and shy. When you stop avoiding your fears, you allow your mind to desensitize to them. In psychology, this is also called habituation.

This approach is very common for therapists to use on someone with social anxiety. In cognitive-behavioral therapy, the “behavioral” part is acting in spite of fear. Of course, many shy people can’t or are not able to simply “face their fears.”

This is why changes to your thinking are also a necessary part of getting over shyness. That’s the cognitive part of cognitive-behavioral therapy.

“Am I Shy?”… These 4 Shyness Tests Will Show You

Are you not really sure if you are shy? Are you looking for an online shyness test or shyness quiz? Then you’ve come to the right place.

Here, I’ve found the top shyness tests online and reviewed them to see how effective they are. I found many quizzes online that were not accurate or just put up as a joke, so this post will save you a lot of time and effort when it comes to answering the question, “Am I shy?”

The first two tests were developed by people who have official credentials — licensed psychologists in the area of shyness. The third test has to do with love-shyness, a special form of extreme shyness that applies only to men around the opposite sex. The last one is a fun short quiz that I found happened to give weirdly accurate results.

1. The Henderson/Zimbardo Shyness Questionnaire

This test was developed in part by Philip Zimbardo, who has been a psychology professor at Stanford University and written several bestselling books on shyness.

http://www.shyness.com/qa2.html

2. Carducci Shyness Test

Bernardo Carducci is another psychology professor and Director of the Shyness Research Institute. He has written 3 books on shyness, including “Shyness: A Bold New Approach.”

http://tinyurl.com/m7vyme

3. The Gilmartin Love-Shyness Test

This test was developed by a famous author, Dr. Brian Gilmartin. Be warned, this test is only for guys to find if they have “love-shyness,” which is an extreme case of shyness around women.

http://www.okcupid.com/tests/the-gilmartin-love-shyness-test

4. Quiztron: Are You Shy? How Shy?

This quiz is short and fun. It’s not scientific, but for some reason it’s scarily accurate.

http://tinyurl.com/6ktahw2

For more tips to get over shyness, watch this video – 13 Things Confident People DON’T Do